Advice from Tomb Raider’s Lara Croft

Need advice? Get it from best-selling computer game of the early 2000s.

Photo by Ugur Akdemir on Unsplash

Dear Lara Croft,

I just found out a male coworker in the same position as me makes 20% more. I am so frustrated and want to confront my boss, but I don’t want to jeopardize my career.

The only thing that frustrates me more than the gender wage gap is when you’re fighting a snow leopard in Nepal and your hair elastic breaks. If you need more money I’d recommend raiding tombs in the East Indies. I find stealing other cultures sacred possessions is a cool, quick way to remember that white men aren’t the only ones who can appropriate wealth.

Dear Lara Croft,

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 5 years and he asked to move in. I’m not sure I’m ready for it, but we’ve been together so long I feel like I should be. Am I slowly pushing him away?

If you’re worried about not having enough space I’d recommend finding a 30-room manor in England so you can always find a little spot to be alone. I live with my butler and it never feels too crowded, but I’ve been on an archeological dig since 1996 so we don’t see each other much.

Dear Lara Croft,

I just got a terrible diagnosis and doctors say I only have two months to live. I’m afraid to tell my friends and family. My instinct is to just hide from everything and not tell anyone.

In this type of situation you have to ask for help. Head to the nearest shoreline and be on the lookout for rocks, boulders, and dry wood. Driftwood is great if you can find it. If you have your flint, this is going to be easy. If you don’t, you’re going to need to start a fire with friction and some dry grass. Once you get the fire going, you’ll need to keep it going at all times. Once the fire is set you should start spelling out SOS as big as possible. Good luck with your diagnosis.

Dear Lara Croft,

I am in my early 20s and I am so incredibly self-conscious of my body. I don’t like looking in the mirror. Other people say I look great, but I feel like they are lying. What do I do?

I completely understand. Ten years ago people thought I was hot, but I just saw myself as a blurry, angular woman who had triangles for boobs. I’ve finally gotten my body where I want it to be, but the funny part is, all the changes never changed who I am inside. A computer.