Lady Pieces
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Lady Pieces

Photo by Form on Unsplash

Birth Control for the Modern Age

by Sarah Totton

1. Menopause.

Effectiveness: Virtually foolproof, provided you remember to menopause every morning. Grasp that menopause. Hold that menopause. Feel that menopause. Oh yeah.

2. Benopause.

Isn’t it miraculous how both members of some heterosexual couples manage to achieve pregnancy simultaneously? (“We’re pregnant!!”) Well, thanks to Benopause (It’s menopause — for men!), the same phenomenon can happen for the change of life. (“We’re mbenopausal!!”)

Effectiveness: Useful, when employed. If not employed, tell him to get a job.

3. Pawn your eggs to a duck.

You don’t need all your eggs right now, do you? Why not pawn them to a duck? Humans have been eating duck eggs for centuries. It’s time to give back.

Warning: If you intend to reclaim your eggs at some point, make sure to get an egg-check ticket from the duck.

Effectiveness: It depends on the duck. Make sure you choose a duck with integrity. Avoid mallards. (Those emerald-headed grebos can’t be trusted.)

4. The Noon-Hour World Polecat Service.

How to do it: At precisely noon, local time, stop whatever you’re doing, and stand on top of your desk with your polecat in your left hand. Address the polecat:

Sredni Vashtar!

Sredni Vashtar!

Sredni Vashtar!

Screw the government.


Then, release the squirrels.

Effectiveness: For this one to work, you have to believe.

5. Emigrate to Venus.

There are no men on Venus, girls, so go build that spaceship in your backyard like you always dreamed you would, and rocket your way to stress-free living.

Effectiveness: Provided the men don’t catch on and follow you, you’re good.

6. Mutate the human species.

Admittedly, you might need help for this one. If you don’t want Homo sapiens to die out as a species, you’ll need to control the mutation of the DNA so that we become a species that reproduces by budding. There is nothing to be afraid of. Sponges have been reproducing asexually for millennia. It’s as natural as salad garnish.

“What’s that growing out of your elbow, Sharon?”

“Well, Sally, I’m growing a baby out of my elbow in a completely asexual way. It’s called budding.”


7. Become a cartoon character.

This one is the riskiest contraceptive method known to medical science. If you’re not careful, you might get flattened by a falling anvil. Or a piano. Stay away from anything with the word ACME on it. And if you attempt to fly, don’t look down while you’re doing it. Paddling your legs like mad won’t stop you from falling.

How to do it: Becoming 2-dimensional is not easy. You’ll need to find a responsible animator. Look for one at your local Comic-Con. Just remember, you don’t actually need to be anatomically correct if you’re going to go full-on cartoon. Now, you can go at it like rabbits with no fear of repercussions. You can even be a rabbit if you want. If this method is making you unhappy, ask your animator to draw a smile on your face. Problem solved!

8. One word: Burdizzo.

Guys, are you fed up with hanging around all the time? Do you want to give them up for your country? Discover the vibrant eunuch subculture.

“But how are we going to reproduce?” you ask.

Two words: Elbow babies.



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Sarah Totton

Sarah Totton


Sarah Totton writes comedy and snorgles small mammals. She once gave a reading on a flatbed truck at a garden center to an audience of three ferns.