Dear Grettle

Grettle VonDerSnitch is an advice columnist and licensed family therapist based in Boulder, Colorado. Please send your questions GoAskGrettle@PetulantTimes.com

Dear Grettle,

Longtime reader, first time writer. My husband’s birthday is coming up next month and I don’t know what to buy him. Any suggestions?

Nothing Under My Scalp

Dear NUMS,

This is not really the type of advice I dispense, and if you say that you’re an avid follower of my column, you ought to know that. However, I’m willing to make this one exception, even though I have no idea what your husband likes/dislikes. Buy him a gift card.

Dear Grettle,

No, I don’t think a gift card will work because he prefers to unwrap a gift. He’s a huge Anthony Bourdain fan. What about a case of Anthony Bourdain Kissed By the Sun Foaming Self-Tanner?

Dear NUMS,

Yes, fine. That sounds great.

Dear Grettle,

No, I think self-tanner is going to be too dirty. What about a cubic zirconium stud earring from the Wanksta Little Girls’ Earring Collection from 50 Cent? My husband’s already been shot in the mouth, so it kinda follows a theme.

Dear NUMS,

Please. Stop asking me for advice when you aren’t even taking my first suggestion.

Dear Grettle,

After some serious thinking, the earring is a bad idea. Everyone on his side of the family has sensitive ear lobes. What do you think if I purchased for him a sexy naked boudoir photo shoot? With only a piece of lamb shank in front of his penis (he’s a butcher)? Backdrop: a brick wall?

Dear NUMS,

If you don’t want to take my suggestions, then why bother asking me for my opinion? Perhaps you should give yourself the gift of therapy, since it is obvious you have serious listening issues.

Dear Grettle,

You’re so funny! But upon further inspection, the photo shoot is well out of my $60 price range. What about stoup?

Dear NUMS,

No! Either get the man stew or soup. Don’t go half-assed and get him stoup. And if you send me one more letter, I will sue the pants off you and your husband!

Dear Grettle,

I’m going with the self-tanner.

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