Dear Grettle: Liar Liar Pants On Fire Edition

Grettle VonDerSnitch is an advice columnist and licensed family therapist based in Boulder, Colorado. Please send your questions to GoAskGrettle@PetulantTimes.com

Dear Grettle,

I have a problem with a friend in that I don’t want her to be my friend anymore. Recently she invited me to her 25th birthday party, but I don’t want to go. How do I tell her without hurting her feelings?

LIZA LOTTE

Dear LL,

It’s always unfortunate when friendships don’t work out. Call her and tell her that you will not be in attendance. After a couple of, “I can’t make it,” or “I’ve made other plans,” she’ll stop asking you to do things. All the best.


Dear Grettle,

What if I just lie to her and say that because I poop my adult diaper with regularity, it wouldn’t be safe to be out and about and not near the comfort of my own private bathroom?

LIZA LOTTE

Dear LL,

What?! No! Why would you say that? Just call her and tell her that you can’t go. There really is no reason to lie. Is there a chance you will hurt her feelings? Yes, but I’m sure she’ll get over it.


Dear Grettle,

I agree. I don’t think dropping a major diaper-pooping hint will work. What if I tell her that I can’t see her for the next three years because NSYNC has recently recruited me to be their new lead singer?

LIZA LOTTE

Dear LL,

Just tell her you don’t want to hang out anymore! These ridiculous lies just make you look crazy, in case you were curious.


Dear Grettle,

Thank you for helping me realize that lying about the NSYNC thing would have been taking things a little too far. I mean, everyone knows that I can’t sing, dance or pay for costly NSYNC tickets should she want a free pair. But guess what? This morning she texted me and said she needed a head count for the party. I was left with no other option but to lie to her, saying that I can’t read texts right now because I have died in an abandoned elevator shaft. Next thing I know, the police are at my door doing a well-being check. Help! How do I get her to stop asking me to her party?

LIZA LOTTE

Dear LL,

You know what? Just give me her number and I’ll do it. And I strongly suggest attending my newest seminar, called “How to Live Without Lying and Shame.”


Dear Grettle,

I wish I could go to your seminar but I’ll be on tour in Japan with the other members of NSYNC. Sorry!

LIZA LOTTE

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