Essential Advice for New Mothers
Don’t Listen to Advice, Except For All of Mine
Can I give you one piece of advice? Actually, let’s sit. Listen…
Food
Feed your baby whenever she wants. It’s called feeding-on-demand. Your grandmother will tell you that she followed a strict schedule, and it never did her babies any harm, but that’s because old people are barbarians who raised their children without a scrap of human compassion. Your mother is irrevocably harmed. There’s no point mentioning it to her now, but she is. Don’t worry if the baby feeds constantly, that just means you’re doing it right. Either that or you’ve got a poor milk supply and you’re slowly starving her to death.
Your Boobs
Your breasts might be inadequate. They probably are. Maybe it’s because you squandered your most fertile years to focus on your career. Are you staying up to pump for thirty minutes after every night feed? You should be. Make sure you’re getting some rest though. Sleep is very important.
Food Again
Are you feeding that baby again? Is it going to take long? Are you worried about digestive disorders? Tongue-tie? You could always ask the nurse. But if she says there’s nothing wrong then ignore her. Trust your instincts. If you think your child is gravely ill then she probably is. Unless she’s fine and you’re just being paranoid and wasting everyone’s time.
Drinking
You should chill out. Have a glass of wine. You’re allowed one glass you know. Unclench, your poor thing. Hang on, is that your second glass? You monster. Someone call social services. What’s wrong with you?
Your Boobs Again
You absolutely one-hundred-percent must breastfeed your baby. Don’t even think about bottle feeding. Ultimately it’s up to you, of course it is, it’s your body. We usually allow women to make their own choices now… For better or worse! Haha. Seriously though, just breastfeed. It’s easy, most mothers don’t have any problems. If you can’t get the hang of it then you probably didn’t do enough skin-to-skin contact straight after the birth. Didn’t you tell the midwife that’s what you wanted? You have to be firm with these people. Show them your birth plan. Anyway, you should have insisted on a natural delivery, most interventions are unnecessary. Next time, if the doctor tries to pressure you with phrases like ‘immediate threat to life’, take five minutes to think about it. If it’s not on your plan then they shouldn’t even ask you. They might have decades of experience and training but you have your instincts, which everyone knows are more powerful.
Sleep
Doesn’t she sleep through yet? Oh dear. Every baby is different, but she’s really too old for a night feed now. You should stop breastfeeding. Don’t be so precious, formula isn’t going to kill her, is it? If she’s still waking up after a bottle, you’ve probably spoiled her with all that feeding-on-demand. You need to teach her to self-settle. Don’t pick her up when she cries at night, and definitely don’t give her any milk. If she goes berserk you can sit by her cot shushing. Pat her tummy if you must. Your innate programming is probably going to protest as her tears get more desperate, but just ignore that strange shredding sensation you feel inside. It’s worth it for a good night’s sleep.
Your Stress Levels
You look frazzled, I hope you’re not neglecting yourself. Self-care is so important. The baby can tell when you’re stressed you know. Go to a yoga class, get your hair done, have a manicure, meet some girlfriends for a cocktail. About an hour a week should do it. Don’t go far, obviously, in case you need to come back. She’ll be absolutely fine with her dad though. He’s amazing, isn’t he? You’re very lucky. I hope you tell him how great he is. If you don’t, it doesn’t matter, other people will do it for you. Complete strangers will come up to him in parks and congratulate him on his excellent fathering. Hopefully he doesn’t tell them you’re at a yoga class because then they’ll think you’re incredibly selfish. Hopefully they’ll just think you’ve died.
Your Actual Baby
How is she? Can we see a photo? Oh my god, she’s beautiful. Another one? She’s so cute, I can’t even deal. Show me more. Alright that’s enough. All you can talk about is the baby these days. You used to be really interesting and fun, now you’re just another boring parent posting their kid on the internet. If I see that baby in my feed again I will scream.
Your Career
Let me tell you something: when you go back to work, know your rights. They have to give you part time hours if you want them, it’s the law. Ok maybe it’s not the actual law, but you know what I mean. You should be prepared for a fight, anyway, because they’ll definitely try to screw you. Just try not to get emotional, ok? You don’t want to be one of those women, sending her hysterical little emails when people are just trying to get on with their jobs. Remember how fortunate you are. These days, most employers will let you kill yourself every week trying to do fifty hours work in thirty-five. There’s been a lot of progress.
Back to Your Baby
What can she do? Isn’t she crawling? Why doesn’t she have any teeth? Both of mine were walking by now. My oldest son potty trained himself. Did I tell you about the time I found my daughter reading the Sunday papers alone when she was two?! It’s a nightmare when they’re advanced though, to be honest, you’re lucky you’ve got a slow developer.
Every baby is different, anyway, so don’t worry. Don’t listen to anyone else. Trust your instincts. You’re doing great.
