Any Parallels Between These “Misogynist” Films and My Own Toxic Love Life Are Purely Coincidental
Four classics every young woman should see. (I watched them repeatedly, and look how I turned out!)
Some movies are so painfully good, every woman should see them at least once. I recently re-watched my old favorites and, look, I’m “woke” enough to get that they’re slightly misogynist in their treatment of romantic relationships. (A millennial I know explained to me what “woke” means. Ok, maybe they also gave me a little refresher on misogyny.) Also, yes, there are a few uncanny parallels between these films and my own questionable relationship history.
But I’ve spent a lifetime being groomed by the patriarchy to blame myself for everything men do to me, so I’ll be darned if I’m going to start blaming misogynist movies about abusive relationships for my own pattern of toxic relationships with men!
I am responsible for my own actions, and it was 100% my choice to be inexplicably attracted to terrible men, then hate myself for it when it was over. All of the sexist films I loved growing up had nothing to do with it. Plus, as legions of male film critics, male English teachers, and random men who love Infinite Jest have taught me, the directors of these movies are geniuses, so their films can’t be that bad.
It’s important that the next generation of young women watch these iconic movies, which definitely will not contribute to their internalized misogyny or tendency to fall for predators. Any parallels between these misogynist films and my own toxic love life are purely coincidental!
1. Chinatown (Roman Polanski)
Sure, I see now that the entire plot hinges on an incestuous relationship between a controlling father and his 15-year-old daughter. Not to mention his single-minded attempts to track down his granddaughter with the same predatory intent.
But that’s not what the movie is really about! You don’t even find out about the incest until the end, and it gets kind of lost in the spectacle of the protagonist (Jake) slapping his love interest (Evelyn) repeatedly just as she shares her deepest childhood trauma.
So I don’t see how watching this movie at a young age had anything to do with the fact that my first relationship was with a man 20 years my senior who controlled my every move, and who also controlled water rights in the San Fernando Valley.
This is the ultimate neo-noir detective story, and that’s what matters. Not the message that if a woman who survives sexual assault tries to save a girl from the same fate, the woman will be shot THROUGH THE EYE and the girl will be left screaming in the clutches of the predator.
Ugh, women aren’t victims. I’m not a victim. I chose to stay with that older man, even if he did threaten to hurt me every time I tried to leave.
Take some responsibility for your role in this, Evelyn!
2. Lolita (Stanley Kubrick, based on the novel by Vladimir Nabokov)
Here is another story about a grown man raping a young girl. In this one, a pedophile in his 40s kidnaps and repeatedly drugs and rapes a 12-year-old. True, in the movie, they had to make her a few years older, and all the explicit sex crimes are implied, not rendered in glittering prose. But none of that is the point! The point is, critics have called this one of the greatest love stories of all time!
After seeing this movie, I, like Lolita, was in a long-term relationship with a man who physically, emotionally and sexually abused me, yet regularly professed his undying love for me. But it can’t possibly have been from this single film that I learned that as long as someone obsessively idealizes you, it’s OK if he abuses you.
And sure, my lover happened to be a European professor who cringed melodramatically at the mere sight of an older woman. But older women (myself included) are gross! Only young women can be sexy. Which I was when I dated this guy. Very. I inadvertently lured him in by licking a lollipop and wearing a bikini, so obviously I made a personal decision to go after this fellow that can hardly be blamed on any message I subconsciously absorbed from a movie.
3. Vicky Cristina Barcelona (Woody Allen)
I get now that the character of Juan Antonio, the artist, is a narcissist. I totally fell for him when I saw the movie, but come on, he was played by Javier Bardem, who is an amazing actor and also HOT.
There can’t be any correlation between my attraction to that fictional character and the time I let myself be love-bombed by a con artist who saw my resistance as a challenge. He stole all my creative ideas and gaslit me for years until I went crazy, just like Penelope Cruz’s character! AND YES HIS NAME WAS JUAN! It’s called coincidence!
It’s also a funny coincidence that both this film and Chinatown were directed by men who have been accused or convicted of sexually assaulting underage girls. Together with fictional sex offenders Humbert Humbert and Noah Cross, that’s four child rapists in my three favorite films! What are the odds?!
4. Romeo and Juliet (Franco Zeffirelli, based on the play by William Shakespeare)
After my freshman English teacher showed our class this iconic film, my high school flings were marked by sex within days of meeting someone, fake suicide attempts, and extremely misguided love advice from a guy at my mom’s church we called, simply, “Friar.”
But we can’t blame Shakespeare for the fact that I decided early on that the heteronormative concept of love was everything — if not worth dying for, then certainly worth a lot of tears and agony and writhing on the bed in an oversized medieval nightgown over a guy who KILLED MY COUSIN IN A DUEL.
If we’re going to blame Shakespeare, we might as well blame the entire literary canon. And Zeffirelli is just one of many prominent white, male directors. (It’s not even worth mentioning that he was ALSO accused of sexual assault on the set of this movie; why beat a dead horse?)
My therapist (he’s great — Louis C.K. is a client!) says I am the common denominator in all my toxic relationships and I need to ask myself, What is it about me that makes me fall for toxic men? But sometimes what I really want to ask myself is: Why are so many men toxic? Am I attracted to toxic men because for centuries, they have collectively shaped our culture in their misogynist image?
Am I, in fact, A PAWN IN A LONG-RUNNING GAME PLAYED BY THE PATRIARCHY TO BRAINWASH WOMEN INTO HATING OURSELVES, AND LOVING ONLY MEN WHO HATE US, TOO?
I want to ask myself these questions, but I don’t. Because that might require me to get a LOT more “woke.” And to actually make some sort of change, like joining a movement for women’s rights, or teaching my daughters to love themselves.
Honestly, it’s exhausting just thinking about it. I’m going to go unwind by watching a lighthearted Disney movie with my amazing new man. When I met him, he was a beast to me, but my constant emotional labor is really transforming him into a prince.
