2018 has brought us a bountiful harvest of ready-to-use white male tears. Don’t get me wrong; 2018 has also been the year of vomit-inducing male triumph and creepy smiles. However, the tear harvest has been bigger than ever, and us womenfolk are free to collect these tears for many fun recipes.
This week in particular brought us an exquisite yield of Republican tears, quite salty and hearty due to the fact that their blood is on average 98% sodium. Brett Kavanaugh, a human-like specimen that resides in a beer cocoon from what I’ve heard, provided an alarming amount of tears this week that will be sufficient to feed the continental United States.
We shall feast!
(WARNING: There is no guarantee that his tears did not cross-contaminate with the shit actively flying out of his mouth.)
I Have Two Daughters Water
Wait for Kavanaugh to say some bullshit about his daughters and then simply hold a cup under his face. Collect the water and use it to feed your house plant. Watch the plant die.
Bring your Kavanaugh Tears to a boil and then turn off heat. Throw an old Slim Jim into the pot and let it sit for a week. Gulp down the liquid and ask a loved one to take you to the hospital.
This bruschetta-inspired recipe is easy to make within five minutes. Simply watch a segment of Kavanaugh’s testimony and then immediately vomit onto a baguette. Season with his tears and some of your own.
Anonymous Tip Dip
Tell Kavanaugh there’s another tip out about him. Watch him work himself into a frenzied desperate rage and place him directly over the spinach dip you’ve been working on. Mmmm, salty.
Make a delicious pot roast with a side of tears. Watch Kavanaugh eat it and then hear him say “that was not pot roast.” Reply that yes, that was pot roast. He will insist that it was not while taking a measured sip of his own tears. Tell him you watched him eat the pot roast. He will shrug and say that to the best of his memory, that was not pot roast. Resist the urge to put a fork through your own eye.
This is like a Sloppy Joe, except the whole time you’ll just have to watch Kavanaugh yell, then cry, then mention his family, then yell, then cry again. Throw a piece of bread at him from a safe distance and watch him attack it like a feral raccoon. Have a passerby call you unreasonable for throwing the bread.
Key Lie Pie
While this Key Lie Pie is mostly store bought frosting mixed with tears and Bud Light, you can get added zest if you sprinkle pieces of ripped up paper from Kavanaugh’s weird little calendar on top.
Bread Pudding with Assaulted Caramel Sauce
Normally the caramel sauce is salted, but once you add some Kavanaugh it will be assaulted. Because, you know. That’s kinda the guy’s whole thing.
Enjoy the tears and don’t worry if you experience some intestinal upset. It’s absolutely normal for Kavanaugh to make you sick to your stomach.