Get Him To Notice You With This One Elaborate Trick!
You’ve been making a big mistake this whole time.
Do you STILL think men are just humans with a desire for companionship, family and a fulfilling life shared with somebody they feel a deep emotional connection?
THINK AGAIN, LADIES.
Men are the pussy grabbing leaders of the free world; they don’t care about values and stability, they just need their senses dazzled.
Here’s how to get him to notice you with one elaborate trick.
1. MAKE AN ENTRANCE (BROWN SWIMSUIT NOT OPTIONAL)
STRUT in, and up to your favorite jumbo sized luggage trunk.
Think Titanic era on this one. Stroll around it purposefully a few times. Quickly snap your head towards your target. Wait until he glances over then…
2. BRING OUT A MAN FRIEND
Ideally, your man friend should have a flowing golden mane and puffy Disney Aladdin style pantaloons.
Your target will look be all like “whuuuut, she seemed sexually available, but now THIS guy.”
Before you lose your target’s attention back to his man-activities like watching the stock market or talking about how good men are at playing made up games involving throwing and catching, submerge your man-stooge into a bag, tie the top closed. Slam your favorite Titanic era luggage trunk shut and lock in with an old-timey padlock.
3. SEXUALIZE YOURSELF MORE
Now he’ll be intrigued, but you haven’t won yet.
You should see this as winning. Healthy and mutually respectful relationships are built on the keen understanding that love is a battle.
We all know that.
He hasn’t really noticed you yet.
Keep him intrigued with a big leg kick. Flash a bit of perineum along with your Simon Biles lifetime-of-professional-training-and-personal-sacrifice-gymnastics-thighs that all women should have.
What you want him to think is “FINALLY! She’s hidden her guy friend, that’s cool, I hate a cock block.”
Then, SWOOSH, high leg kick and he’ll all be like “damn that’s dope”.
4. HINT AT YOUR INTELLECTUAL SIDE
Now that you’ve proven your self-worth through physicality from a distance, it’s time to hint at your cerebral side.
Take your largest letter opener, preferably the size of one of those jumbo charity cheques that nice people give to others in failing local newspapers.
Use it to double lock the chest.
Right now your man-target will be thinking “ok, this girl can read.”
“That’s smart enough for me.”
5. DAZZLE HIS SENSES MORE
Stand on the old-timey Titanic era trunk, hold up your favorite bed-sheet.
His brain will associate bed-sheet with fucking (which derives from the French concept of lovemaking.)
In a nano-second, have your man-stooge roll out of the false back in your old-timey Titanic era trunk, grab the fucking bedsheet and APPEAR JUST WHERE YOU WERE.
In the meantime, you crawl back into the trunk.
Your man target won’t believe his eyes!
Now he’ll be fixed, trance-like, looking at your man-stooge. Questioning his sexuality but never the allure of the flowing, follicular sculpture dipped in white gold that is a mane on a man.
What a spectacle.
6. PRESENT YOURSELF TO HIM
Have your man-stooge open the old-timey, Titanic-era-trunk, untie you from the bag (being careful not to reveal the zipper in the back).
Stand triumphantly, presenting yourself to him.
Don’t forget to have changed into a different colored bikini.
Have your comfortably and conservatively dressed man-stooge waggle his arms around; presenting you.
Draw attention to your availability.
Be sure to bask in the only thing that actually matters: the gaze of a male stranger.
Footnotes: If he hasn’t noticed you, you either messed up one of the steps 1–6 or, more likely, there is something fundamentally wrong with you.
Maybe try purple lip color?
