How Red Sweatpants Saved My Marriage
And other important advice for staying sexy for your man
According to the internet, sex changes after marriage. And we all know the internet doesn’t lie.
I believed this fallacy for years, chalking up the lull in sexy time to fatigue and kids. Blaming the kids is always a useful tool, I say (wink emoji).
The biggest issue with this inaccuracy is it lets us attribute problems in our life to circumstance. I find it more useful to condemn myself. While self-annihilating thoughts may seem dangerous, they are not.
You see, if we are the problem, we have the power to change such undesirables. You follow?
Now we’re cooking with vodka.
So, once I realized I was the causer of crummy coitus, I decided to analyze the situation and make a change.
Here’s what I found:
- I had simply been trying too hard — sexy lingerie, regular hygiene, etc.
- Effort kills intimacy — the online will tell you good marriages take work. My research proves otherwise.
This epiphany changed life as I knew it. Why should I try so hard? If I’m for real, he’ll know me in all my glorious splendor. The real me at my emotional core. That’s all men want.
Enter red sweatpants (aka, sweatypants).
And you know what? It worked. Like scarlet slacks of seduction, these beauties sent the message, “Hey, lookie lookie. Let’s make nooky.” His response? Well, he didn’t actually say anything, but he didn’t have to. His face spoke volumes.
So I knew and he knew and I knew he knew.
There was only one thing left to do.
We retired to the bedroom. I left the lights on because he needed to see this. I spent the next several minutes making uninterrupted eye contact while flipping my thumbs to the inside of my sensuous elastic waistband, then pushed them to the ankles.
Next, I performed a trick I’d mastered years before — I balanced those juicy pants on the top of my foot, flicked my ankle deftly, and tossed those bad boys into the air. They landed with a whuuptf at his feet, all 15 pounds of them.
And the rest? Well…I’m nothing if not discreet.
So there it is, folks. The night that changed my marriage forever.
And because I’ve recently become an internet sensation and lifestyle guru to the stars, I’ll give you a few extra tips for killing the mystery and letting your partner see your soul.
- Big underwear- in my twenties, I was all about the thongs. The tinier the better. Under form-fitting pants and skirts? Why, lacy red strappy things, of course. Today, I say Naaah.
2. A nightly facial care routine made up mostly of vinegar- apple cider vinegar cures everything, people. For reals. I’ve been using it as a toner for years. And the best part? The smell lingers long after it really shouldn’t.
3. Zit cream-this one’s a no-brainer.
4. Awkwardly-timed eye contact- the eyes are windows to the soul, yes? To ensure your partner experiences all your inner workings, let him see you do things common sense indicates otherwise. Examples include but are not limited to: picking your nose, cutting that gnarly cuticle on the big toe, eating off the floor, performing surgery on ingrown hairs, finger-brushing (twice a day with a toothbrush is craziness), and any process related to hair removal.
To wrap things up, I’ll fill you in on how best to care for your sweatpants. Because maintenance is paramount.
- Wash them irregularly- remember, what men crave most is you in all your natural magnificence. Mine spend most days on the floor. As such, they accumulate dog hair and stickiness from unwashed, curious kiddo hands (“Momma, why are these on the kitchen floor?”)
- See above- that’s really my only tip.
Ok, folks. That’s all I have for today.
Now — go put the mar back in marriage.