How to Cope with the 2020 Election Without Crying
The 2020 election has been looming over our heads since 2016 (which was roughly 75 years ago), and now that it’s 2019 we are officially entering a year that is sure to be jam-packed with election coverage. Senator Elizabeth Warren kicked off her primary campaign this past week, and soon more politicians will announce their own campaigns. There’s going to be nonstop media coverage, and even worse, nonstop Trump feedback on said media coverage. Legend says he’s already preparing for incoming rants and Twitter tantrums by doing wrist exercises and shouting “BAH!!” whenever he enters a room.
The silver lining in all of this is that we’re all going to die at some point, but for now feel free to use the following coping mechanisms for this new election cycle:
1. Scream a lot
Scream into your pillow. Scream in the shower. Scream in your car. Scream until your vocal chords snap and then wake up and do it all over again. Keep tea with honey nearby to soothe your throat. Throw some whiskey in there. Some more whiskey. Add a dash more whiskey. At this point, just drink out of the bottle.
2. Say “nuh uh” as you run away
Political coverage leads to political conversations, and suddenly you overhear Jim from work playing devil’s advocate on human rights issues because to him it’s all a hypothetical thinking exercise. A great coping strategy for this is to repeat “nuh uh, nope, nuh uh, not today, nope” to yourself over and over as you run out of the room, into your car, and straight to a Wendy’s drive thru for comfort chicken.
3. Go screenless by chucking your phone across the room
You used to be able to mindlessly scroll through social media, watching Buzzfeed food videos and wondering how that boy from high school that never learned how to read is paying for his eleventh vacation this year. But now, it’s full of hot takes about how immigrants aren’t people and videos of ladies speaking Spanish getting yelled at in Dunkin’ Donuts. Instead of falling into an emotional abyss, just throw your phone across the room. Give yourself ten points if it smashes right into a mirror for dramatic effect.
4. Become a master at changing the subject
Social interactions will become dicey as people inevitably bring up the election cycle. They might offer their opinions or worse, ask you about your own. You need to become adept at changing the subject so that you don’t have to listen to your uncle wonder if a woman is like, really, between us, you know, capable of handling the presidency. Instead, offer up subject changing lines like “the doctors found a lump” or “I want to go to music school!” If you’re still unable to get out of the conversation, throw in a double edged sword like “did you see what Louis CK / Kevin Spacey / Bill Cosby / Osama Bin Laden’s ghost did?”
5. Make Trump outbursts a positive thing
Look, no matter what we do or how hard we try to avoid it, Trump is going to have several outbursts. Per day. On the hour. So instead of getting frustrated and giving yourself a rage-headache whenever he’s disgusting, just turn it into a positive thing. Every time he does something uncouth, put a dollar in a jar. By the end of the week, use those $347 to buy yourself something nice, like a cannon to shoot yourself out of and launch yourself into outer space.
Look, it’s going to be okay. Or, at least it’s going to end at some point in 2020, and then we’ll know who we get for the next four years.
Oh God. I’m so scared. I’ll be at Wendy’s.
Ellie Guzman lives in Los Angeles. This post is not sponsored by Wendy’s. But you can give her money to buy more spicy chicken sandwiches here.