How to Get Rid of Crow’s Feet

I don’t think she has crows feet.

Bathe in some unpasteurized donkey’s milk à la Cleopatra.

Slap yo skin with some cucumber.

This is a cucumber.

Read ‘The Raven” before bedtime.

Splash some unpasteurized virgin blood on your eye sacks.

Caw really loudly during the witching hour.

Old lady with a sparrow.

Dorian Gray the fuck out of a painting.

WhatsApp with one of the elves from Lord of the Rings for tips and tricks.

Win an *all-expenses-paid trip to Neverland. (*Must enjoy boat rides and cloud-hopping.)

Preach that ‘The Birds” is the best Hitchcock movie of all time.

Don’t find anything funny, ever.

Botox.

Accept that one day you’re gonna look like a leather purse.

Today. Today’s that day. Please don’t wander into Kate Spade.