How To Hack Your Girlfriend’s Period
by Dylan Lilpecker, featured on Vice and Dateline NBC
So, your lady’s surfing the old Crimson Tide, yes? She’s riding the Red Hog? Her O’Hara is Scarlet?
We all have to suffer through the Cardinal Beast a few days a month (unless your girl is an anemic fuh-reak) if we want three-ish weeks of that sweet sweet vajaja. Here are some tips to help you become the period master:
Remember that bitches be crazy
It’s the truth. Your girl could be a totally sane human being for the majority of her life but nature (or at least my understanding of it) dictates that she will be an unpredictable wildebeest during her period. So when she’s yelling at you about some crazy shit like you not picking up the dry cleaning or you fucking her cousin, remember that bitches be crazy and don’t engage. She keeps saying she’s 99% sure you got gonorrhea from her cousin but that’s a lie because bitches don’t know shit about no statistics. Regardless, don’t engage. Let her talk until she gets tired. She’ll be over it once you slip her a couple valium.
Remember that bitches love chocolate
So your bitch is mad because it’s her period, but of course she’s saying that it’s because you got her cousin pregnant during your passionate tryst a few cycles ago. Drag your ass to Godiva and buy the bitch some chocolate truffles. She’ll forget why she was even mad in the first place (until the cousin uploads the sonogram on FaceBook. Seriously, what’s up with cousins and sonograms? We get it, you’re fertile! See, this is why I should write for Tosh).
Remember that bitches love Legally Blonde
Your girl’s on her period and she’s going on and on about how she’s conflicted about the disgustingness of you having a child with her cousin but at the same time she wants you to be a present father for that poor child. Yawn! A surefire way to hack your girlfriend’s period is to quietly put on Legally Blonde while your girlfriend’s going on a rant and soon enough, she’ll become engrossed in the movie and forget about being a stepmom to her own niece or nephew. Yo, that’s actually kinda fucked up. Shit. Off to See’s Candies!
Remember that bitches make up menstrual cramps
So your girl won’t give you head because she has a headache, or cramps, or back pain, or some other imagined womanly symptom of menses. Shouldn’t women just get used to cramps anyway? They already get so many periods, what’s the use of complaining? Shoot. Well, throw your bitch an IcyHot and tell her to suck it the fuck up while she sucks you the fuck off. Wordplay. Who’s the bard now bitch?
If all else fails, starve your bitch
Hear me out before you get your Kotex in a bunch. Bitches suffer during periods. You care about your bitch. You don’t want your bitch to suffer. Am I right? So… starve your bitch and let that amenorrhea set in. Skinny bitch with no periods? Shit, now we’re cooking with gas! Danger: this can make your bitch become too hot and she’ll leave you one day in the middle of the night. You’ll wake up the next morning and notice someone is missing, apart from her cousin and lil Dylan Jr. in the next room. I miss you baby. I miss you.
Let’s all welcome Dylan Lilpecker to Lady Pieces! He is Ellie Guzman’s twin brother who lives in West Hollywood and says things like “I’ll pencil in brunch in my schedge.” He has a second grade reading level.
