How to Land an Incel

t.j. peters
Aug 5, 2018 · 3 min read
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Photo by JD Mason on Unsplash

Hipsters mansplain their man buns. Popped-collared bros treat you like a party favor. Suit-and-tie yuppies are more high maintenance than shaped eyebrows. But there is a group of men — eligible men! — that all us ladies have overlooked: involuntary celibates.

Dubbed incels for short, these men are witty, willing, and waiting! Understandably, you might not know a lot about these bachelors — they don’t like to put on a big show; they’re better than that — so here are a few tips to land you an incel, kween!

Look Pretty Without Makeup

Sure, you’re straight fire when you’ve got your cheekbones contoured and fake lashes on (aka the least you can do), but what an incel really wants is an on-point natural look. You know how Jennifer Love Hewitt looked in movies before she got old? If you can pull that off without putting in any effort, incels will line up around the block!

Be Able to Spot a “Nice Guy”

Incels hide in plain sight. The problem is, we don’t notice them because most of us are naturally attracted to “bad boys.” So look beyond tall, dark, and handsome! Forget so-called fashion and charisma! And heck, think outside the box when it comes to location! In all likelihood, you’re going to find your incel standing charmingly close behind you in the grocery store checkout line, doffing his classic cap as if to say, “The pleasure is mine, autumn flower.” Now THAT’S a gentleman!

Learn How to Take a Compliment

Incels are born wordsmiths, so it’s important that you allow them to use their gift. Some of their verbal coquetry may sound archaic, but that’s just because us modern women have never experienced the dalliances of a true romantic. So when an incel says, “Your bust is a mountaintop I’d be honored to summit, my dear,” that’s a compliment! And frankly, a way nicer one than when some Chad barks “Nice tits”, which is usually all it takes to get us to spread our legs.

Be a 3–2–3

Women are meant to have the bust/waist/hips measurements 36” x 24” x 36”. Duh! Girl power! Since those numbers are all factors of 12, they have a ratio of 3–2–3. Kind of confusing, amirite?! Fortunately, your incel will have a mind for math (as well as science, metaphysics, lore, and the blade*), so he will be able to quickly calculate which of your measurements is out of proportion. For example, suppose you have a superior bust of 40”. An incel can explain to you that your hips should also be 40”, while your waist can allow for up to 26.67” (though obviously 24” would still be preferred).

*Have Some Familiarity with “The Blade”

Most of us women possess scant knowledge of the most regal, ancient art — swordsmanship (I guess it’s right there in the name, isn’t is?!). Many incels are expert swordsman — Masters of the Blade, if you will — so it will behoove you to have at least a passing understanding of the craft.

Despite having these tips, you may still have trouble finding an incel. If so, the best place to start looking is in your social media DMs. It’s possible your suitors are buried in spam folders because everything is stacked against them. And if that fails, you could… you know… always just reach out directly. Like, you could send a DM to @darksoulsgod88 on Twitter. That user is probably a really nice guy who just never gets a shot because of all the Chads out there. It’s definitely not me. Maybe just try it… Oh, you’re not going to? Figures. That’s because you’re just another stuck-up slut. Fuck you.

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