Jul 5, 2018
How to Prevent Farting in Front of Your Boyfriend So He Doesn’t Think You’re Gross
It moved on me like a bitch. I was lying there peacefully next to my boyfriend when it happened. The Air Tulip. The Cheek Squeak. The Ass Trumpet. Or as it is known more colloquially the fart. I can’t believe I actually said that out loud. Or wrote it as the case may be. It wasn’t crazy loud or stinky or anything, like the kind you may expect from DJ Khaled or Zach Galifianakis. I don’t know why, but they both look like they have smelly farts. Sharts to be more specific.
We were in that in-between phase of waking up but still half asleep, cuddling after a night of Japanese food and a rousing marathon of “Planet Earth”, when it happened. Right next to him. I froze. Did Pete notice? Was it the edamame? Why was God punishing me like this? Did I do something wrong? Was this part of my bad karma for stealing nail polish from CVS in middle school? I didn’t deserve this! WHY?!
I decided the best course of action was to pretend I was asleep. Perhaps he wouldn’t notice if I acted like nothing happened. He would figure the muffled rumble was just a figment of his imagination.
A pause. Then a laugh. Then “did you toot?” At least he used the word toot which seemed less offensive.
“What?” I pretended to still be groggy though my mind was racing with the kind of fear I normally reserve for eating my aunt’s cooking.
“I don’t think so,” I mumbled.
Pete continued to laugh. “I think you did.”
How dare he suggest something so foul and ludicrous! Just for that, I wasn’t going to watch “Planet Earth” later. I wondered if Rihanna or Beyoncé ever encountered such issues. I couldn’t fathom such a thing. They must use some sort of special device only available to celebrities to get rid of extraneous air.
“That was you!” I shouted before rolling over and hiding underneath the comforter. I felt shamed that my body had let me down with such commonplace trivialities. She clearly was unaware that we had just started dating. It was way too early for this sort of nonsense! Here I am trying to appear effortlessly sexy in my post-coital haze and she was sabotaging me.
Ladies, I don’t want you to have to go through such tribulations. We shouldn’t have to suffer these indignities. We can’t let our significant others know we are human. Can you imagine? I am here to save you with a gas-proof plan.
1. Avoid eating
Yes, it’s hard. But you must avoid eating at all costs. At the very least do it earlier in the day, so you won’t have to deal with nocturnal wind storms. If he asks you if you want to eat, just tell him you had a late lunch and you’re not in the mood for dinner. Or tell him you had a late brunch.
2. Eat beano
If you must eat, make sure to carry Beano or Gas-X at all times. Just pop one in after you to eat to ensure you don’t toot toot later. Try to be slick and pop in before taking a sip of wine. Another alternative? Go to the bathroom and hide it under your tongue. Swallow it when you get back to the table.
3. Practice squeezing your butt when you’re by yourself
You can get better at holding them in if you keep practicing. Before you know it, you’ll be an expert at the squeeze.
4. Wear a butt plug
Nip it in the bud! A butt plug will keep a fart from ever erupting. At least in theory. I’ve never tried this.
5. Get a dog and blame it on him or her
Works every time. Unless you actually fart on someone.
