I Shoved Clorox Up My Ass and Now I Can Read Minds
I never thought this would happen. I’m just a simple girl with a simpler brain and I thought I was being smart when I shoved some Clorox up my ass. I mean, think about it. Disease is germs. Germs is bad. Bad starts with a capital B, which rhymes with P, which stands for pool. So I got into a kiddie pool and squatted down and put some fucking Clorox up my ass. And you know what? It was way easier than I thought!
What hasn’t been easy is the side effects. Other than the cheek numbness and constantly pooping a fine neon powder, I am now able to read minds. The only explanation I can think of is that the Clorox cleansed my body of cell phone brain pollution and now I can receive everyone else’s electrons.
The mind reading is really opening my eyes to some disturbing stuff. My husband has a sourdough bread fetish. My daughter doesn’t know my middle name. The lady at the corner store thinks I’m too loud because now my ass squeaks when I walk. And for some weird reason when I look in the mirror I can’t read my own mind, but I can see each of my mitochondria doing the macarena so overall I’m going to call this a win.
The whole thing makes me a little dizzy, but I can’t sit down or I’ll burn a hole straight through a chair again. I was a little skeptical when my president said to ingest disinfectant, but after doing it I can say that it was only a little bit of a massive mistake. I’ve stuck with him through racist tirades and staring at the sun so a little rectal third degree burn isn’t going to hurt me.
Wait, he said he was being sarcastic?
