In Lieu of an Existential Crisis, Here’s Some Advice for Finding Meaning In Your Life

So you’re going to live an unprecedentedly long time. Where previous generations had the luxury of vital matters such obtaining food, water, clothing, and shelter to preoccupy them for their brutish five decades on earth, you have — on average — double the lifespan and far more time to focus on higher order things like meaning and purpose.

Traditionally, the “existential crisis” inspired artist and activist alike to work towards something grander than themselves. But now, you’ve got it all, and you’ve got it for a very long time. So with no strife to inspire you, and no looming deadline to rouse you to action, here’s some advice on how to overlay meaning onto the barren canvas of your life, without having to think too much about it yourself.

First, find a job at a company.

Any company will do, really, as long as they have a mission statement published somewhere on their website. The mission statement of the corporate entity might inspire or excite you from time to time, which is helpful when you as a human are attempting to pen your own personal mission statement.

Pretend that your job is important and your company is changing the world. It may seem difficult at first: you may hate your boss or you may not earn enough to buy a gym membership. But the trick is, if you pretend long enough, you will soon believe it to be true, and once you believe something, it is unquestionably and universally true [1]. Remember to re-read your company’s mission statement if sometimes you forget what you stand for.

When you finally embrace the fact your job is important and your company is changing the world, you will get recognition from your bosses and they will give you a raise and promote you. Your job will now provide you with some purpose and you can talk about it all the time. But some purpose is not enough purpose.

Now that you have a career, you must also have a lifestyle.

Luckily, you can now also afford a gym membership. Decide how you will exercise. You can join Soulcycle or Equinox, or decide to train for Ironman, or do hot yoga, for example. Before your first workout, you must choose where you will buy your exercise-lifestyle clothes. You may at first just use an old t-shirt, but pretty soon you’ll be embarrassed to be wearing it while exercising. Lululemon and Under Armour are two different but equally prominent brands of exercise clothing.

Next, you must decide on diet.

Perhaps you’ve already been swayed in one direction or another because Laura always orders low-carb for office meetings, or your trainer Leo is adamant that paleo will make your body look lithe like a caveman’s. In the end, it doesn’t really matter which one you choose: food will become less enjoyable to eat and you will have to abstain from many nice things on the basis of false science. You will learn to become zen about new research that routinely invalidates your food-lifestyle choice, but you will become very good at shrugging with a joyful laugh, saying, “the scientists are always changing their minds, all I can say is, it works for me!”

From now on, make sure you talk about work, your exercise-lifestyle, and your food-lifestyle — and only these things. If someone at brunch orders a sandwich, let them know that gluten makes you feel so tired all the time. If someone orders fries at happy hour, tell them about how carbs make you so bloated, and also tell them the thing about the gluten. If someone says they’ve never tried your gym, tell them you can probably get them a discount — usually you get a signing bonus if they stick with it, which you can use to get Uber to deliver your lunch for the week. Uber is an awful company, and it’s terrible how they treat their drivers, but no other cabs deliver you lunch.

But that’s not all.

Do not talk about politics. [2]

Do not talk about hobbies or things you partake in casually. [3]

Do not discuss literature, or practice the guitar. [4]

Do go see the new exhibit at MoMa.

Dating is okay to talk about even though it doesn’t really fit into the categories of work, exercise, or food — but you must ensure that you don’t date anyone for too long and seem very happy about it [5]. Searching for love is existential pain, or at least as close as you will come to it, so it’s important to keep this search going for as long as possible.

By now, you should be very resolved in your beliefs.

You have habits that you stick to. At this point, you haven’t thought about the meaning of life in years. You have found friends that are exactly like you. Conversations are easy, because you’ve had each of them a million times before. It’s good to only talk to like-minded people because then you never argue, thereby keeping your stress levels low. You have finally made it halfway through life, and are feeling fine. You are doing amazing at your job, which is still very important. When someone tries to tell you that robots will take our jobs in the next thirty years, think to yourself how dumb this person must be to believe that a robot could do your job. You have a new trainer, by the way, because Leo had to move out of the city because of sexual assault charges.

The trick, you must realize, is to take things that don’t really matter at all, and make them matter a lot.

When one of your friends is having a baby, you roll your eyes: overpopulation is a real problem, you say, you’re being so selfish.

He tells you to go fuck yourself.

You tighten your circle of friends.

Footnotes:

[1]: This tactic was made famous by climate deniers, anti-vaxxers, and Jet Fuel Can’t Melt Steel Beams.

[2]: If you must talk about politics, make sure to only do it on Facebook, and start your commentary with “I don’t usually post about politics on Facebook but…”

[3]: You do not have time for hobbies, because you are so busy with work.

[4]: Learning to play the guitar, or any instrument for that matter, but especially the guitar, is for teenage boys trying to get some. You do not need to learn to play the guitar because you can get some by listing your work and lifestyle choice on your Tinder profile, accompanying it with a photograph taken by an iPhone 7 eating brunch with your ex-bae.

[5]: Also, make sure to note often that you are “sex-positive.” Like being “pro-environment” or “anti-torture,” you should be proud to admit that you are a baseline human and believe in basic tenets of goodness. You should be having all sorts of different sex all the time — nothing is weird to you, except for asexuality. Don’t ever talk or even think to yourself about asexuality.