Lady Pieces Special Segment: An Interview With Your Fearless Leader
Hello you little Pieceronis. In honor of Lady Pieces reaching 14,000 subscribers, we’re conducting an interview with your editor in chief and Lady Pieces creator, Ellie Guzman. And who better to conduct an interview with her than herself?
Ellie Guzman sits at a table, drinking slowly out of a steaming coffee mug. She brings the cup to her nose and inhales deeply with her eyes closed.
“Mmmm,” she sighs, “I love boiled Dr. Pepper.”
She motions for me to sit across her at the wooden table, Kit Kat bars and Monopoly money strewn over it. I let her know that I’m her, and she nods. “I’m going to leap back and forth as I ask and answer questions,” she says, the left sleeve of her fluffy robe dipping gently into the boiled soda. She gnaws at the sleeve like a racoon.
Ellie, how are you doing today?
Yes.
What are you looking to accomplish with Lady Pieces?
I don’t know. Why do I pee a little when I laugh? These are life’s real questions.
Describe yourself in three words.
Hot. Fire. Arson.
I kind of feel like you’re not taking this interview seriously.
*Fart noise*
Please don’t do fart noises while I’m trying to interview you.
Mmm, yes daddy.
Anyway, what advice would you give to other writers on Medium?
Sometimes, to be a straight up baller, it helps to have a dark void deep inside your soul that you can only fill with words and apostrophes and validation from other people who clap for you through a grey metal object you call a “Lap Top.” Oh and don’t forget to submit to Lady Pieces directly through Medium or by emailing ladypiecesmag@gmail.com. Also I’m dead inside.
Have you ever been told you need therapy?
Did you know that there’s an entire Wikipedia page dedicated to coconut-related deaths?
How are you an adult person holding down a steady job?
Why does the caged bird eat expensive bird food?
Touché.
You wanna get weird?
It’s about time you ask.
Ellie Guzman is a writer in Los Angeles who’s really into herself. Money please?
