Local Tinder Queen Wonders How to Have Successful Second Date
Local barista, Crystal Vamos, is wondering how to have a successful second date. The recent college graduate feels as if she’s gotten everything else together: she can brew the best pour over in her recently gentrified neighborhood, and even has her very own box spring in an abandoned Groucho glasses factory (where, it’s worth noting, a record low number of orphans were dismembered during the city’s industrial boom). She has impressive creative chemistry with her eight roommates: together, they form an experimental performance art/ noise band that frequently posts ironically disconnected ads on Craigslist. “All the songs are bad, but that’s kind of the point,” she explains.
The underwhelmed barista is known among her friends as the “Tinder Queen.” Sake Bombbb, the second Theremin player in her noise band, The Jimmy Buffett Experience, says of the selfie connoisseur: “She’s really got a good sense of her angles, which is cool but maybe deceiving? She matches with the hottest guys, and some really hot chicks too, although I will say it’s curious that as a self-proclaimed pansexual, things never seem to ‘work out’ with Crystal and the ladies. I’m not policing her choices. It’s just interesting, is all.”
Though Vamos is quite successful at landing a promising date, she struggles to maintain the connection with her Tinder matches. She expresses her discontent by live-tweeting second dates:
He referenced something he learned on iflscience…#seconddate #tinderfail
He said all straight-edge vegans should move to SF… #excuseme #fascist
He’s an android user. #vamosout
Vamos says of her Twitter: “I really see my tweets less like tweets and more like poems that reveal a universal struggle you know? Maybe not the universal struggle, but a very particular and specific type of universal struggle, that really resonates with me more than other people.”
You can catch Vamos performing her Tinder-inspired poetry at Jim’s Gaping Sport Hole every Tuesday night at 10pm.
Carla Jerez is a comedian and writer. Sign up for her newsletter and check out her lonely sketch comedy on Youtube.
