Natural Laws I Have Discovered in Quarantine
While in quarantine from the Great Plague, Isaac Newton developed the foundations of calculus, optics, and the theory of gravity. I have also been very productive in quarantine, and here are my observations.
A body at rest remains at rest until acted on by a force, such as a 22 pound Dachshund who smells the jar of peanut butter the body fell asleep on.
This force is equal to the Dachshund’s mass multiplied by its acceleration under the couch.
The effect of watching “just one more” episode of Daytime Jeopardy is equal to the sum of the effects of watching every available episode of Daytime Jeopardy individually.
You cannot observe your partner without also attempting to change them.
Every social media action has an equal and opposite reaction. For example, posting a video of squirrels playing in a leaf pile will summon a corresponding video of viruses spreading through plumbing systems.
Family group texts can neither be created nor destroyed.
What appeared to you before working from home to be one Dachshund is actually the superposition of three Dachshunds: Pacing Ginger, Snoring Ginger, and Licking Ginger.
Your attraction to your partner is proportional to the square of your distance from…
