Ellie Guzman
Jun 22 · 2 min read
Photo by Monica Melton on Unsplash

We’re living in the Golden Age of female empowerment. With more oppressive stories coming out every day and online shopping hitting a boom, we’re in the prime era for buying pussy hats and throw pillows that say “Nasty Woman” on them. No longer do you have to cry in the bathroom after you find out you make less money than an assistant’s assistant. Now you can just jump on Amazon and buy a “The Future is Female” onesie that you will put on your obese Boston Terrier that you’ve named Ruff Bader Ginsburg.

Unfortunately, not every marketable feminist slogan can be on par with the incredible “#GirlBoss”. Here are some slogans that just didn’t cut it this year (but we’re holding out hope for 2020 when things get really fucked up!):

These Cankles Kick Back!

Put Your Hands in the Air-eola

She Believed She Could So She Procrastinated

Nevertheless She Per-cyst-ed (Get it? Because of the cysts in my ovaries)

Putting the “Bai!” in Abortion

I Got 99 Problems But An IUD Ain’t One (This actually might already exist)

Well Behaved Women Rarely Make A Livable Wage

Something Referencing Beyoncé

Avocad-Oh No You Didn’t! (with like a little cartoon avocado or some stupid fucking bullshit)

#GirlMoss (It itches)

We Can Do It! Sorry. As Per My Previous Email, We Discussed That I Might Be Able To Do It. I Just Wanted To Clarify That; Sorry If I Misunderstood.

I’m So Tired.

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Ellie Guzman

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Millennial witch of Medium. Lover of writing, comedy, tequila, and dogs. Views my own. You can support my writing here ❤ : https://www.paypal.me/ellieguzman

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