a bumble match. we never went on a date.

Some Rules I Made Up for Dating On Tinder and Bumble

(the unabridged version with a lot swears and too much advice)

dedicated to N. proud of you for taking the plunge, sister. thanks for encouraging me to publish this.

Raise your hand if you’re tired of dating fuckbois (that’s the millennial term for players).

You are. I know it. You know it. Everyone on the whole dadgum internet knows it.

You’re sick of bros with overdeveloped abs and shirtless selfies with their tongues sticking out obscenely and men who don’t know how to choose a restaurant for a date. You’re tired of matching with five Mike’s in a row who all look the same and whose bios only vary by the fact that half include their Snapchat handle and the other half say, “Crossfit for LYFE, bruhhhhhhhhh.” What you really want is intelligent conversation across from someone who knows how to eye flirt and make you laugh.

You’re not going to want to admit it but the first time a man pulls out your chair so you can sit down at the table before he does or drops you off at the door because of inclement weather or does ANYTHING KIND your heart is going to do a tiny backflip and you’re going to double check your feminism to make sure everything is still in place. It is. I want our dicked-over-too-many-times-hearts to understand a man can treat us well without being a misogynist and thinking he owns us.

But.

Before we meet that kind of man, we need to talk about choosing. And you know where that begins? With us. Yep. This whole myth about “Oh, I always date terrible men. It’s all the men.” Sister, we need to own some things in our lives too. They are OUR lives. Not everything should happen to us. It’s time we start choosing them. And to be clear, I’m not about blaming the victim. I’m not talking about the asshole who abused you. I’m talking about your average run-of-the-mill doesn’t have his shit together bro. So, let’s dig on down into that wild, hot mess we’ve got going on and let’s talk about choosing US before we get into how to choose “him.”

First, get therapy. Whatever therapy looks like for you. Sometimes its traditional like the kind I do every Monday at 5:00 pm. Sometimes it is cooking or working out or volunteering. Find your therapy that heals your soul. Do that thing.

Second, start choosing you. That means take care of you. Start cooking for you. Go to the gym for you. You don’t have to be a crazy work-out queen. Just be healthy. Care about your heart. Your actual physical heart that pumps blood through your body. Do some cardio. Get endorphins flowing. Also, this is going to make you feel good about the way you look.

Third, learn to love the way you look. Who you are now is probably who you’re going to be. Unless you plan on undertaking a serious weight loss journey for health reasons, most of us are going to be in some semblance of the body we have for the rest of our lives. We need to learn to love it. Curves and boney bits and stretch marks and odd freckles and wrinkles and crooked teeth and that random hair that grows out of your neck in the weird place that you only remember to pluck when you are out in public and THERE ARE NO TWEEZERS. wt actual f with that hair. Look in the mirror everyday and tell yourself how beautiful you are.

You’re never going to find someone who will delight in you until you begin to find yourself delightful. WRITE THAT DOWN ON ALL YOUR MIRRORS.

Fourth, figure out what you are passionate about and what you love and what you want to do with your life. Start doing those things. If you’re already there and you’re doing this stuff, you’re ready to let go of the guys who aren’t going to be invested in you as a human and finally date a man who is worthy of your energy and heart.

So, let’s talk about how you find such a man.

People are going to tell you not to use Tinder or Bumble or any dating app. I say, “Bullshit.” Also, decide what works for you. You attract what you are. Thus far (besides on a fluke date that I didn’t listen to my better judgement on canceling) I’ve had great time with dating the past year. And all but a couple of my dates came from Tinder and Bumble.

The key is to be yourself. Don’t be something or someone you aren’t. Also, have well-lit pictures. Don’t catfish anyone. Post images of you enjoying life — whatever that means to you or looks like. Don’t post that moody 2014 Tumblr shit. You’re a grown ass woman.

Also, be concise in your bio. Mine said the following, “Writer. Lover of pie and scotch. Big fan of your intelligence. Once described as a Northern Liberal Yankee Female.” I don’t give a ton of information because that’s what a conversation and going on a date is for. You need a hook. A dating app is a lot like fishing. You put a lure out there and then you wait and see what you catch. Don’t put ALL of your bait box on your hook. You’ll choke the fish. Simple. Concise. Flirtatious.

Next, know your rules. Look, everyone wants to tell you not to have rules. And by you, I obviously mean ME. Some rules are good. Some rules keep you safe. Here are a few good rules to help you sort out the sketchy sketch ones from the men who are interesting, wonderful humans you actually want to meet.

1. Swipe left if bro is holding a baby or a machine gun or several women, especially if any part of their anatomy is exposed. Because I don’t even think I need to explain my reasons for any of those ones.
2. Swipe left if there are only pictures of him and his bros chugging brewskis. Who are you? Which one are you? How much work is it going to take to figure out which one you are? Do I get to choose? Okay. If I get to choose, I’m in. I choose the slightly nerdy looking dark haired one in the background who is not in your group looking at all of you like PLZ LEAVE MY BAR. Sir, I’ll join YOU for a drink.
3. Swipe left if he is looking for a running partner or has the word “crossfit” multiple times in his bio or wants someone who can “motivate him to live a healthy lifestyle.” That’s called a trainer, not a date and my yoga pants are purchased for their level of comfort not for their ability to allow me to push tires UP A HILL.
4. Swipe left if he uses that mahogany quote about leather-bound books, says ANYTHING about the necessity of the way your teeth and eyebrows should look, 0r HAS PICTURES WHERE HIS WEDDING RING IS PROMINENTLY DISPLAYED. My friends and I once just added random other words to the word jack and found that it is very fitting for bros like this. Jackhole. Jackweasel. Plz recognize douchey AF when you see it.
5. No Chads. All Chads are awful. Hands down. I know how awful that sounds, but please think of the Chads you know. If you’re reading this and your name is Chad and you are fantastic, show thyself. Redeem the Chads. Also, no one with your ex’s name or your dad or brother’s name. What if you end up having sex with them (not that you will) but WHAT IF?!? Please follow that train of thought and ask yourself the implied question that I can’t bring myself to write. Lemme answer for you. No. Hell. No.
6. No guys without bios. Who are they? Why are they so mysterious online? Are they boring? Are they without words? Do they lack the ability to communicate completely. If they can’t take the time to write one line in a Tinder bio, they’ll probably be just as closed in real life.
7. No Snapchat handles in bios because bros with Snapchat handles in bios want pics of your breasts. (please also see rule number nine for further explanation about how to appropriately escalate a conversation which might be useful in that your bio having your Snapchat handle infers you want pics of my breasts and we have not even matched) ‘Nuff said.
8. Swipe left on a guy whose pictures all have the exact same look on his face. Is he a serial killer? A sociopath? Had v good plastic surgery? These are the questions I’ve asked myself. Unfortunately more than once.
9. THEN, when you do match. Watch out for the guy who doesn’t know how to escalate and comes in too hard. If he starts the conversation with, “You totally have the Babe Factor…” or “Hey, cutie…” or “Well, aren’t you sexy…” Seriously, bro. Where are you going to escalate to from there? I know. Starting a conversation out of thin air is hard. Which is why I usually begin by asking what their favorite kind of pie is or how their day is going or something about their bio. But pie is a surprisingly good starting point. Warm, engaging, thought provoking. If a man begins with a super intense compliment like that, he is generally looking to get laid immediately or doesn’t know how to hold an intelligent conversation. Move along, there are more fish in the sea.
10. Go with your gut. Listen to the law of fuck yes and fuck no. If you feel like, “hell yes I’d go on a date with them, swipe right.” Don’t settle in online dating. You don’t have to. You’re there to have fun. SO HAVE FUN.

Okay, humans. Please enjoy the fruits of my year long foray into the land of Twitter and Bumble. A month ago I deleted my accounts. I’m off to see what the real world holds. Maybe there’s love out here too. Who knows? I may even meet that slightly nerdy looking dark haired man peering out from the back of the too many bros pics…

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