Study Finds Only 7% of Women on Deathbed Look Fuckable

A privately-funded study conducted by the Dartmouth Women’s, Gender Studies & Sexuality program (WGSS) found that an overwhelming 93% of women in hospice do not register as fuckable. “According to our findings, most women just aren’t focused on looking hot when they are dying,” said head researcher Dale Perkins who, without prompting, speculated they could “at least try.” “I attempted to get Elinor to wear some makeup or something before people came over to pray for her,” commented Mary Zotyka, a subject’s caretaker. “I don’t know who would bake a casserole for the family of a woman that fails to put in at least a little bit of effort. When my chemo fails, I know one thing is for sure: I’ll be wearing blush!” In a related study, Perkins and his team of researchers found that 68% of Americans would prefer not to see a woman over the age of 37 at all. Legislators in both Utah and Oklahoma are said to be taking those particular findings into consideration.