The Art of Catcalling
Street Harassment for Dummies
Catcalling is not an exact science. Add your own flair and don’t be afraid to get a little creative.
Step 1: Pick a woman, any woman.
Really, it doesn’t matter who you pick. Keep reading and you’ll learn how to craft unsolicited comments for any lady who makes the mistake of being in your line of view.
Step 2: Choose your style.
Decide early on if you’re a yeller or if you prefer a more subtle approach. Do you enjoy a chase or do you prefer to be posted up somewhere? Maybe a passenger seat drive-by is more your speed. What gives you the most confidence? Which approach makes you feel like you’re the king of the hill? Know yourself and go from there.
Step 3: Zero In.
You’ve picked a woman. Now, it’s time to zero in on the focus of your opening line. Be creative, nothing is off limits! Maybe you choose to zero in on her skin tone. Or maybe it’s the color of her shirt to show her you appreciate her sense of style. Perhaps baby’s got back and might need a little reminder.
Whatever it is, choose quickly. You only get about 4.5 seconds, otherwise you’ll have to keep your thoughts to yourself and that’s no fun.
Step 4: Craft your opening line.
OK, Shakespeare, now’s your time to shine. Did you pick skin tone? That’s always a safe one. Go ahead, try an “Ayo, chocolate!” out for size. Or maybe you’re a simple catcaller. You can never go wrong with a basic “Hey, sexy.” Women love being called sexy.
Alternatively, studies show that “You should smile more,” is the most frequently used opening line among catcallers. Whether it’s effective or not was deemed inconclusive.
Step 5: Activate a back-up plan.
Sometimes — and don’t go shooting the messenger — but sometimes, even the best laid plans of suave men go awry. Lady of your dreams didn’t bat an eye? She didn’t even acknowledge your existence? At this stage, you’ll need to tap deep into your most basic primal instinct and do whatever comes naturally. Of popular interest, but highly unrecommended, is Hulk mode. This typically involves cursing her out or calling her one or more of your preferred derogatory terms. We don’t endorse this response, so use at your own risk.
Our approved method is a swift retraction to save face. “You ugly, anyway” is a sure quip to remind her of her place and retain your rightful spot at the center of the universe.
Step 6: Try again! Immediately, if possible!
If all else fails, there are many more fish in the proverbial sea, and this is a numbers game. A wise man once said, “Miss one, next 15, one coming.” Remember, the world is yours. Now, look across the street. Gucci Mane was right, wasn’t he? Trust him and trust the process.
