This Hot Girl Shares Her 8 Secrets to Trading All Joy in Life for a Bikini Body
Summer is here, ladies!
And with the summer comes the sun, the beach, and the seasonal opportunity to nitpick at your every exposed physical flaw. So be sure that you don’t let this year’s Bikini Season come and go without comparing yourself to hot ladies on your boyfriend’s Instagram feed.
Today, professional sexy person and body shaming guru extraordinaire, Brittany Fitney, is here to make you feel bad about yourself and overthink every morsel you put in your mouth. She’ll share some of her tips, tricks, and tidbits to help you hack your body’s healthy state of equilibrium and totally fuck up your metabolism so you can be conventionally hot for a few weeks.
Once just a local hottie, Fitney posted pictures of her butt on Instagram for 100 straight days, forming the foundations of the fitness empire that she single-handedly built using her trust fund money. She’s now a global sensation, doling out advice she’s unqualified to give and preying upon the insecurities of young women worldwide.
“Growing up, I was always the girl with the two-pack,” Fitney says. “But then I sacrificed all my carbs to the Fitspo Gods and started spending half of my waking hours on a yoga mat. Now, I’m the proud owner of aspirational abs that make other women wonder if they should just stop eating.”
But Fitney’s goals are bigger than herself. Which isn’t saying much, since she has a 22-inch waist.
“I really want to help every woman be her best self,” Fitney says. “And there seems to be a negative correlation between thigh circumference and female-best-selfhood.”
Here’s Fitney’s top-level advice to help you believe that you might possibly become as hot as she is if you buy her shit.
- Hydrate, hydrate, hydrate! Often times, women can’t seem to differentiate between thirst and hunger because they’re all fucking idiots. “You might think you want a bagel,” Fitney explains, despite her limited understanding of human biology. “But before you assume that it’s just because you ran seven miles this morning and haven’t eaten for 14 hours, drink up — you’re probably just thirsty!”
- Vegetables for dayz. “Greens should be your go-to,” Fitney instructs, though her background is in marketing, not nutritional science. Focus on eating a veggie-based diet, because vegetables are full of nutrients and are really boring. And being bored by your food is the first step to not wanting to eat at all.
- Scrap the scale. Instead, take progress pictures of yourself every day, so you have a living record of how bad your hair looked at every weight. Plus, this way you can easily shame yourself into looking good — you’ll probably forget the number the scale showed six months ago, but a publicly posted picture lasts forever(ish). Bonus points if you use a kitschy inspirational quote as your Instagram caption.
- Maintain good posture. “If you stand up straight, you’ll look five pounds lighter,” Fitney explains. So stop your slouching and pour all your mental energy into keeping your spine aligned. For some extra umph, stretch your neck as far as possible and stand on your tiptoes. Hold that all day.
- Buy for the body you want. Who said your clothes need to fit you? “Purchase clothes for the future, skinny you,” Fitney recommends, though she really doesn’t understand psychology. Plus, the tighter your clothes feel, the more you’ll hate yourself, the less you’ll want to eat.
- Make life harder for yourself. Take the stairs, park in the furthest spot, or annoyingly tap your foot while you work so that all your coworkers are secretly (and separately) dying to kill you. All these little things add up, and we all know that you badly need to burn calories during your every waking moment, you fatass. If you sit still for even a single moment, all those carrots might start sticking to your hips.
- Love yourself. But not too much. You’re beautiful the way you are, but not nearly as beautiful as you could be if you pay Brittany Fitney $79.99 per month for access to her strict instructions to becoming a hot person.
- Have fun! Most importantly, Fitney encourages balance. “Remember that life’s not all about abs!” she says, although it seems like her life is pretty ab-centric. You don’t have to give up everything you love to be deemed fuckable by Western society — you can still have 1/16 of a pizza slice every few months or so. (But make sure you mention it on Bumble, so dudes still think you’re fun.)
Now that you’re armed with Fitney’s vague, pseudo-scientific secrets intended to pique your interest in her fitness program, you can add another layer of doubt when considering your life choices and current health regimen.
Follow these rules to rapidly shrink yourself, and you might even be allowed on the beach this August.
