This is Awkward…My IUD Just Followed Me On Instagram

Upon insertion, I was jazzed about getting an IUD! “You’ll love it,” said my gynecologist. “You’ll have lighter periods, manageable PMS, and the freedom to bang with reckless abandon.” I was ecstatic! “You know,” she went on to say, “some women, including myself, think of the IUD as less of a birth control device, and more of a…best friend.” Hey, if this little machine has the capacity to make me happier and healthier, I’ll think of it as a BFF too!

That day, I get a follow request from an account called, @itsmeyourIUD. Zany coincidence, I think, as I click on the account. No photos. It’s probably brand new. Screw it, I’m always game for more followers. Accept!

A few days later, @itsmesyourIUD likes every single one of my photos. A little creepy, but sweet, I guess. This person likes my content, and I’m not one to turn down likes. Exciting!

The next day I post a picture of me in a bikini and get a DM from @itsmeyourIUD that says, “Your body is gorgeous and also so warm!” Wow! This person, whoever they are, thinks I’m beautiful and…warm? Maybe they mean that I seem kind? “I’m flattered lol,” I reply. No answer. I didn’t think much of it!

A couple of days later, I post a picture of me and my lover Nelson, out to brunch, with a caption that reads, “This guy’s great!” Immediately, @itsmeyourIUD comments and says, “And ALSO great in bed!” Weird. Had @itsmeyourIUD slept with Nelson before? I asked him. Nelson said he didn’t know an @itsmeyourIUD. Peculiar.

The following week, I go to an amusement park, and post a picture of me standing next to a roller coaster with a caption that says, “Hope I don’t die haha!” Immediately, @itsmeyourIUD comments, “Hope I don’t get dislodged haha!” What the heck? I DM @itsmeyourIUD and say, “What do you mean…dislodged?” “Exactly what I said…” they reply. Bizarre…

The next day, @itsmeyourIUD tags me in their first ever photo. The picture is a red, fleshy looking square, and has a caption that says, “Uterine wall aka home.” Why was I tagged in this? Was this some troll trying to prank me? I DM @itsmeyourIUD and say, “Tell me who you are or I’ll block you.” They reply instantly with, “No! Don’t block me. I haven’t even posted photos all of our good times together!”

What are they talking about? What good times?!

Suddenly, a slew of @itsmeyourIUD’s photos pop up on my feed, all of which I’m tagged in. I start to scroll through…

A picture of an ova with caption that reads, “Nice Try, LOL!”

A picture of a sperm with a caption that reads, “Get the heck out silly!”

A picture of a tampon with a caption that reads, “Getting a little crowded in here haha.”

A picture of a baby that says, “Ummm I don’t think so.”

A picture of NELSON, MY LOVER’S CROTCH, with the caption, “You might not feel ME, but I feel you haha!”

And then…

A picture of ME?? AT THE GYNECOLOGIST’S OFFICE? FROM THE VANTAGE POINT OF MY VERY OWN VAGINA? The photo literally captures my gynecologist looking down at me with a caption that reads, “Day one with my bestie! Ouch am I right?”

What the fuck.

I DM @itsmeyourIUD, “How did you even GET these photos? I don’t even know you!” @itsmeyourIUD responds, “Come on BFF, are you saying you’re NOT grateful for the light periods, manageable PMS, and the freedom to FUCK Nelson with reckless abandon? It’s literally me, your best friend and I U D. Look at my handle, silly!”

I frantically close out of Instagram and call my gynecologist.

“Doctor doctor! I think my IUD is following me on Instagram!” I scream.

“Oh yeah, that’s pretty standard,” she replies, “My IUD/best friend follows me on Insta too. In fact, if you’re looking for more followers, I can probably get my IUD to follow your account. Never hurts to have more likes does it?”

“Are you insane? I want this IUD out of me!”

“SHHH,” says my gyno, “That’s your best friend you’re talking about! Plus, I’m afraid I can’t just take your IUD out. Talk to me in 5 to 10 years.”

“Can I at least block my IUD on Instagram?” I ask.

“Oh sweetheart, if you block HER, she’ll probably unblock all that SPERM. All best friends get a little bitchy from time to time. Best if you stay on your IUD’s good side!” My gynecologist hangs up.

I look down at my phone. There’s a new DM from @itsmeyourIUD that reads…

“Um not to make this weird, Bestie, but can you at LEAST follow me back?”