Tony the Tiger is Sexy and You Can’t Change My Mind
First off, Tony is RIPPED
It all started one morning when I was pouring myself a bowl of Kellogg’s Frosted Flakes and I saw him, there, on the box. To my surprise, something stirred inside of me. I had seen Tony the Tiger before of course, but I had never really looked at him, and now I felt like I was seeing him for the first time in all his striped glory. That capricious smile, that athletic frame… how had I not noticed it before? Tony the Tiger is a feline Adonis.
Some may view this as a bold or even vulgar statement, but once you see it, it’s hard to unsee. My reasons for this fascination are multifold.
First off, Tony is RIPPED. Just look at those biceps. I bet his arm didn’t even hurt after he got the vaccine. He could pick me up and twirl me around with one furry orange hand (paw?), no problem. Judging by his toned muscles, he has an annual gym membership.
Besides being a lustworthy piece of tiger ass, he’s good with kids! Kids love Tony. He’s like a fun uncle who lets them eat sugary foods until their teeth rot. But he’s also a father figure, the type of guy who would spend his afternoon playing catch with the kids.
I know he would be a tender and caring lover. After we finished making each other roar with pleasure, he would look deep into my eyes and whisper in that deep, sexy growl “that was grrrrreat.” He would even make me breakfast the next morning. The breakfast would be a large bowl of Kellogg’s Frosted Flakes because of contractual obligations, but still.
My friends don’t understand my attraction. They tell me my quarantine dry spell has lowered my standards to a dangerous level. I think they’re insecure because Tony could kick any of their boyfriends’ asses in a fight. Not that Tony is the type of guy to get in fights. He’s very committed to being a role model for the kids.
Obviously, I’m not seriously trying to pursue him! (Although Tony, if you’re reading this, call me.) I’m just saying, hypothetically, if somebody told me I had to choose one food mascot to rail me, I wouldn’t think twice.
Meanwhile, I’ll be stocking up on Frosted Flakes.
