Why did you get a dog if you’re just going to take it to dog daycare?
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Sorry to interrupt your walk but I noticed that you recently got a new dog — this guy right here! Looks like he’s just a puppy, AREN’T YOU JUST A PUPPY YOU GOOD BOY. Good for you! It’s so fulfilling having a dog, isn’t it? Wouldn’t you say this is the happiest time of your life?
I remember when I first brought my puppy home. She was so little and I was so exhausted. I look back on that time as some sort of magical evisceration in which everything inside me was pulverized into a fine dust but then I emerged as a new, more judgmental person. Someone with absolutely no filters but opinions to spare. If there’s one thing that vegans, triathletes, and I all agree on, it’s that self sacrifice is the perfect topic for any gathering regardless of the perspective of those you might be speaking at. Like right now!
Which reminds me, I’ve noticed that you take your dog — sorry, puppy BECAUSE AREN’T YOU JUST A BABY, GOOD BOY — to dog daycare a lot. Sometimes as often as five days a week! Wow, that’s a lot of time spent away from him, don’t you think? Does he even recognize you when you pick him up? I’m just asking. It’s just a question.
I assume that you have a full time job and I guess I understand that but puppies are little for such a short time. They grow up so fast. I don’t know, I just wouldn’t want to miss any of it. It’s just so special but I guess we all define what special means for ourselves. Like for example, maybe “special” to you means “I only care about myself.”
Sometimes I just sit and stare at my dog for a mind numbing amount of hours and not a thing happens but once in awhile she’ll bark at a lawnmower or bite her own tail by accident and I think to myself, “Gosh am I glad I didn’t miss that! I am so, so happy and relieved that some stranger didn’t have to tell me about THAT at the end of the day! Thank goodness I am the first and only person to have seen this very minuscule and inconsequential moment in my dog’s life!”
But, you know, that’s just me. I just care too much. I guess being a good dog parent is just more important to me than it is to you. We’re all different.
Just to go back to the job thing again, I’m just curious why you’re fulfilling your educational and professional destiny, while also paying your bills and saving for your future when you could be at home with your dog full time? Dogs need a lot of attention and there’s just no substitute for the real thing. Babies need their moms — and only their moms, dads are obviously mostly irrelevant — every minute of every day. Something I skimmed once said that. You just can’t argue with my headline-based opinion and/or science-themed tweets.
I mean, isn’t it like someone else is raising your dog for you? Can you really call him your dog when five days a week there’s some interchangeable human picking up his poop with a cold metal pooper scooper instead of you doing it with your warm and familiar plastic-sheathed hand? When he’s taking a little nap in the shade (they do have shade there, right? Did you check?) and starts to have one of his little doggy nightmares about, who knows, being chased by vacuum cleaners or whatever, and he starts twitching and sleep yelping who nudges him awake and tells him, “It’s okay, baby/puppy”? Some random dog daycare guy? Do you even know all of their names? Wait, you don’t think they’d just, like, kick your dog awake, do you? I guess the only way to know would be to be with him every minute, which obviously you’re not. Oh well.
I saw on the news the other day that a dog died at dog daycare. I mean, different dog daycare in a different city in a different state. And now that I think about it, it was a few years ago now or maybe it was an urban legend but still, I’m sure it happened. Just sayin’. You never know.
Oh, I see that you suddenly have to go. To your job I presume? Okay then, well have a good day. As good of a day as you can while only thinking of yourself!
Kimberly Harrington is a copywriter and creative director, a contributor to McSweeney’s Internet Tendency and Funny or Die, and is the co-founder and editor of parenting humor site RAZED. She’s currently working on two books at the same time because she loves feeling frustrated. Follow her on Twitter if you’re always ready for a knife fight.
