Andrea Coleman
Sep 6, 2018 · 4 min read

4:22 AM:

Wake up drenched in sweat. Discover that my pillow is also wet from my sweat as is the bedding below and on top of me. Silently ask the gods why I’m being punished, get no response.

4:24 AM:

Change my pad and tampon. DivaCups are for blessed bitches who have light flows.

4:30 AM:

Change out of my wet PJs into dry ones. Flip my pillow to the dry side and lay a towel down on the bed so that I’m not in contact with the sweat-drenched bedding. Ask the gods again why I’m being cursed. Continue to get no response. Drift back to sleep.

6:45 AM:

Wake up to my alarm feeling exhausted. Check the towel beneath me to see if I’ve leaked. I have — through the towel onto the fitted sheet AND the mattress below. Connect to a level of rage so intense that fire shoots out of my eyes. Accidentally singe my boyfriend’s favorite hoodie and feel no remorse — ashes to ashes and dust to dust.

6:50 AM:

Attempt to wash the blood stains (with toilet paper because I’m panicking). Only succeed in turning the bright red to a dull yellow.

7:17 AM:

Get dressed. Try to pick out an outfit that is comfortable, easy to pull down, easy to pull up, not too tight, not too loose, not too dark, not too light and work appropriate. Get overwhelmed and cry for 8 minutes in my closet. Eventually, decide to wear the exact same outfit that I wore yesterday but with a cardigan. If anyone notices resolve to light them on fire with my eyes.

7:45 AM:

Pack my work bag. Calculate how many pads and tampons I’ll need during the workday. Remember that I may have tampons and pads at work also. Realize that I”ll actually need ALL the pads and ALL the tampons IN THE WORLD and therefore, I don’t have enough. There will never be enough. Marvel at the concept of infinite needs as it applies to feminine hygiene products.

8 AM:

Get on the bus. Consider whether my chances of leaking are higher if I stand during my commute or sit. Decide that it’s safer to stand.

8:52 AM:

Arrive at work and rush to the bathroom to see if I’ve leaked. I haven’t. Thank the gods for their unexpected favor. Then change my pad and tampon.

9 AM:

Work.

10 AM:

Change my pad and tampon.

10:07 AM:

Work.

11 AM:

Change my pad and tampon.

11:06 AM:

Work.

12 PM:

Change my pad and tampon.

12:08 PM:

Work.

1 PM:

Change my pad and tampon then eat lunch.

2 PM:

Change my pad and tampon.

2:05 PM:

Work.

2:15 PM:

Connect to a sudden wave of panic when it feels like blood has leaked through my clothes. Slowly stand up and check the back of my skirt. Feel relief when nothing is there.

3 PM:

See that it’s been an hour since I last changed my pad and tampon. Get cocky. Decide that I can wait 90 minutes between changes and not just 60 minutes. Finish my work call.

3:30 PM:

Connect to a sudden wave of panic when it feels like blood has leaked through my clothes. Slowly stand up. Look down at my chair and see blood on the cushion. Jesus f**king Christ! Frantically check my purse and desk drawer for a change of clothes. Slowly realize I have none. Decide that I’ll be wearing my coat for the rest of the day. Vow to never be cocky on the heaviest day of my period again. The heaviest day is to be respected and feared. Change my pad and tampon.

4:30 PM:

Change my pad and tampon. When I’m done, the bathroom stall looks like a crime scene. Clean up. Allow myself 30 seconds of self-pity.

5:07 PM:

Get on the bus and sit, since I’ve ruined this skirt already, it doesn’t matter. Nothing matters. Suffering is also infinite.

9:30 PM:

Lay on the sofa wearing a Depend adult diaper and tank top watching reruns of “Criminal Minds.” Feel a wave of gratitude realizing 1.) that the victims on this show are the only people having a worse day than me and 2.) that the diaper will protect the sofa if I leak. Thank the gods for their favor and the end of the heaviest day of my period.

Lady-Saurus Comedy

Daily Funnies Written by Women Who Roar + friends

Andrea Coleman

Written by

Comic & Attorney: I love rules, writing & laughing. Follow me on Instagram @andreacolemancomedy or visit me at www.andreacolemancomedy.com

Lady-Saurus Comedy

Daily Funnies Written by Women Who Roar + friends

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