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So, You’re a White Man Who Wants to Date a Black Woman…

First of all, I applaud your ambition. Of all the interracial configurations available to you, the black woman to white man grouping is the most charged. You’re certainly on brand with the confidence level or on brand with your obliviousness to the situation. Either way, you’re on brand and I’m here to support you.

Now, because you’re a white man, I assume you want to know my qualifications to assist you — white men love a CV and references. I’m a black woman who’s been in a relationship with a white man for 6 years. I’m from the south and he’s from the north. He loves to ski and I like to eat pigs feet (We are a match made in heaven). When we met he didn’t know what hair grease was and had never sent food back at a restaurant. Now he’s a pro at both. I know what I’m talking about. I’ll clue you in on what works, and what doesn’t work when you’re trying to nab a Nubian goddess. Quick tip — don’t call us Nubian goddess. It’s not racist or anything, it’s just cheesy.

I assume you want to date a black woman because you’ve seen all the black girl magic hashtags and are curious why we’re so magical. You may have a specific black woman in mind that you want to date, or many . Maybe you’ve dated a black woman before or you’ve never dated a black woman before, who knows… I’m here to help. Why? Because I like you and if you want in to the society of men who’ve dated black women, I want to help you. Full disclosure, I think interracial dating puts this world on the fast track to healing the racial divide. I want to help you because by helping you I’m helping me and every other person in this beautiful world. Now let’s nab you a black queen!

STEP 1: The Approach

Remember that confidence I brought up earlier? You’re going to need it here. In spades. White men, we’re used to the black man approach. Now of course, all black men are different blah blah blah, I’m about to paint with a broad stroke here but, I can do that. Black men tend to be, but are not always, up front about their desire to date you. It’s usually obvious that they’re interested in us romantically. White men, I’ve noticed you’re more understated about your interest. There’s nothing wrong with that and by all means try your usual approach. BUT, if she’s unresponsive, it may not be because she’s uninterested. It may be because she has no idea that you like her because you’re acting, in her mind, like you’re not. You are so subtle you are a statue. So, now it may be time to take a page out of the black man approach book and be BOLD. Doesn’t have to be way outside your comfort zone, but a simple statement that you think she’s great/amazing/beautiful/cute/ funny/wonderful and would like to take her on a date/out to dinner will suffice. Phrases like “hang/hang out/get coffee” or anything that platonic friends might do, stay away from if you want her to know that you like her.

STEP 2: The Hair

If your first reaction to this section is “The hair… what could she mean? Why are we talking about hair?” Then you REALLY need to read this section because you have no idea and are the most on brand oblivious AF. But, never fear. I’m here. You don’t have to know about our hair (yet) but you at least need to know that hair with black women is a thing. Now, you’ve probably dated white chicks and I know they care about their hair too. So you may be thinking, what’s the biggie? The biggie, is that you need to know that the black hair experience is different from the white hair experience and what’s more, the most annoying thing about the black hair experience is that most white people have no idea that it is different. The fact that you don’t know that the black hair experience is different is part of the problem. Now, you don’t have to rush out and watch the Chris Rock documentary “Good Hair.” I mean, you can if you want to. Just know going in, that white people as a group know absolutely nothing about black people’s hair: the care, the products, the maintenance, the styling. Just know, that you don’t know. I don’t need you to know, I just need you to know that you don’t know. And that will go a long way. You know?

Now, in terms of the specifics of the different black hair options, that could take up an entire article on its own, honestly, that could be an encyclopedia. Which is great, black women are very creative and adventurous and bad ass about our hair. I don’t have time to go into it all but I will give you the basics so you’re not caught totally off guard by some of the terminology. Generally speaking, a black woman’s hair can be either natural or processed. Natural means, no chemical and processed means it’s undergone a chemical process of some kind to make it do something different than it naturally does. Sometimes a black woman with either natural or processed hair will add additional hair to their head, called a weave or extensions (these words are synonyms). That additional hair can be either real (from the head of a real person or animal) or fake (synthetic). As a guideline, it’s best not to ask a black woman if her hair is natural or if she has a weave. Why you may ask? It can be seen as rude. Honestly, it depends on the black woman though so you’ll have to use your gut on this and factor in how long you’ve been seeing each other. Again, you don’t need to know what we’ve done to our hair, we’re not looking for you to DO our hair. Just, if you like it, compliment it and if that black woman wants to share with you more about it then she will.

STEP 3: The Sex

We’ve all heard the rumors, read the studies, seen the porn. Black men,large members. I get it. If I were you, I would not spend any time being concerned about whether you “measure up”. Maybe you do and maybe you don’t. Sex isn’t really different based on race, it’s all about the personality of the people involved. Just dive in and do what you do. Have fun. It’s not really different. The colors of the skin are different but the sex itself is about the personality and energy of the two people. So don’t suck as a human being.

STEP 4: The Racism

So, let’s just cut to the chase. You’re racist. I’m not saying you’re like KKK Nazi racist or anything but every white person has got a low grade level of racism. You just do. You just do. And for the most part, black people assume it and we deal with it. But go in knowing that you’re a little bit racist and own it. Don’t be one of those white guys who says things like “I don’t see race” that’s stupid. It’ll be much more attractive to own it and say something like “I don’t think it’s possible to grow up in America and not be at least a little racist as a white person. My goal is to become more conscious over time. Please let me know if I ever say or do anything stupid because it’s important to me that I respect and honor you.” Or something like that. And then keep your eyes and ears open and listen to her when she shares with you when you do/say something racist. It’ll happen. You can get through it, it could even draw you closer.

STEP 5: Race, Race Everywhere

Over time as you relate to this black woman you will start to see race and racism everywhere. You just will. You’ll start to love and care about this black woman and naturally you’ll see things through her eyes, you’ll notice things that you never would’ve before because you’ll be attuned to her and conscious of how people will treat her. This is called — awesomeness. It’s awesome because you’ll start to see with Wakanda colored lenses, it’ll be like developing a super power that you never knew you had “I see racism.” This new superpower will be an opportunity for you to connect with your woman by sharing with her what you see and observe, asking her what she thinks of it and sharing how it makes you feel. It’ll also be a chance for you to potentially check some of your white friend’s white privilege if you decide to do so. This, my white brother, is how the world will start to heal btw.

STEP 6: The Lingo, The Clothes, and The Music

So yeah, there is black slang that some black people use. Not all black people use the same lingo. Sometimes black people will say things to me and I have no idea what they’re talking about. And other times I will. You’ll have to talk to your black woman and see. You don’t need to dress in a particular way, listen to a particular kind of music or eat a certain kind of food to date a black woman. So, don’t feel like you have to change your tastes to date a black woman. It’s a great idea to be open to trying new things that she may want to share with you, but that’s the typical process of dating and getting to know someone. Isn’t it?

I wish you love and luck on your journey into the magical world of black women! I’ve also written about visiting her family over the holidays and shopping for her.