39 Things Women in Their 30s Need for 2014

According to two random women in their 30s

For most users, the internet serves very few basic purposes. It provides us access to Facebook (allowing us to be aggravated by our family beyond the normal holiday season), pornography, Netflix, cute baby animals and lists of ways that we could be being more successful as women. This fall, Buzzfeed posted a list of forty essential items that women in their 30s should own. The list contained mostly kitchen items, makeup, and fashion accessories. It was pretty boring. Painfully, painfully boring.

The esteemed Dr. Rubidium and I discussed this list and thought that we could do better. Thus, we are proud to present the definitive list of 39 items every woman in her 30s needs, with GIFs in the style of Buzzfeed.

  1. A high quality vibrator.
    Give up on the cheap plastic. It’s time to invest in one of those sleek, quiet vibrators developed using research originally intended for space flight. Maybe a graphene-coated vibrator, when that technology becomes available.

2. Condoms or another barrier method
You are far too damned old to act like you don’t keep birth control in your drawer because “You don’t usually do this.” Yes you do, and you need to get over being ashamed of it.

3. A switchblade
Almost every list suggests that women over 30 need Spanx. Spanx are uncomfortable and never a good idea. No woman should have to decide between dessert and being able to breathe. You need a switchblade to cut yourself out of your Spanx when you’ve made the bad decision to wear a pair out.

4. A bar
Every lady needs a cool place to grab a drink herself, hang out with friends or entertain visiting professional colleagues. Not a dance club. A cool place where you can grab a chill drink without getting vomited on.

5. A go-to booty call
But, not someone you work with. That is absolutely off limits. You’re on the clock, not on the cock (Or clit. Wevs). Don’t fuck where you eat, my friends.

6. A criminal defense attorney
Or at the very least, a will since you are >30 and should be starting to accumulate some shit. Also a financial planner. Don’t let people play with your money. Playing with your money is like playing with your emotions.

7. A signature scotch or bourbon
Stop ordering midori sours and pinot grigio. Start drinking like a grown up.

8. A “don’t fuck with me” face

9. A 5 pound gummy skull
We don’t know if every woman needs one, but we definitely want one. This is an advantage of being grown. You can buy ridiculous shit like this and not have to explain it to anyone.

10. To know your pap and STD status, blood pressure, lipids, and blood sugar
Maintain your bits, ladies.

  1. An online calendar with your shit in order
    Your cluelessness is not cute anymore.

12. A copy of Grand Theft Auto 5
Sometimes you have a rough day and just want to fuck some shit up, yo.

13. To finally decide on a doctor (see #10).
You need a doctor that knows their shit and yours.

14. A microwave bacon cooker
Sometimes you’re going to want to eat bacon at 2 am. Because you are a grown woman, you can eat bacon at 2 am and not have to apologize to nobody. A dishwasher-safe, microwave bacon cooker will save you from having to wash the pan in the morning.

15. A passport
You never know when it’s going to get hot in your home country and you’ll need to flee.

16. Jumper cables and a real tool kit
Not a pink one. That shit is neither cute nor useful.

17. The first season of The Mindy Project
Mindy is the role model for geek women in their 30s everywhere.

18. A gang or posse
This posse should include some seriously bad bitches that will have your back when it starts to get real. These are also the ladies that will not be afraid to call you out when you are not handling your shit.

19. A mentee in her 20s and a woman crush in her 50s
We have a duty to keep these younger broads from trifling and there are bitches to aspire to.

20. Equal pay, a safe work environment, and control over your own body
We have nothing funny to say about this.

21. A graduate degree
Being smart is cool. Being a geek is cooler. Geek ladies are the coolest.

22. Work-life balance
Just kidding. Give up on this dream. It doesn’t exist. Resign yourself to controlled chaos.

23. A Kentucky Derby Hat
You never know when you need to hide some bed head, or protect your delicate skin from the sun, or otherwise look fabulous.

24. The number for a taxi service in your phone
There’s no need to be scrambling for a ride when you find yourself ready to go home after a night out. You’re also over passing out in a friend’s car or trying to drive yourself home. It doesn’t matter that your driver won’t look like Ryan Gosling. The important thing is to have access to a ride when you need to get out of wherever-the-fuck-you-are and get home.

25. A favorite boxed wine
Sometimes you want quantity and aren’t super concerned about quality, or you want some sangria or mulled wine. There’s some pretty good boxed wine out there.

26. The $300 boots you couldn’t afford in your 20s
Now that you’re in your 30s, you know where to find said boots for ⅓ to ½ off retail. Get to the DSW clearance racks!

27. A bra and other undergarments that fit
Off the rack bras from Target worked in your 20s, but you need serious anti-gravity technology now. Head to a small shop that will measure you and fit you right. We like Soma but, more importantly, get yourself to a place where they’re not afraid to cup your melons and tell you truthfully what state they’re in and then fix them.

28. A first-aid kit and a flask
Sometimes at the same time.

29. Real laundry soap and other accessories
This is not Sex in The City and you will be doing your own damn laundry. Get your hands on a box of Shout® Color Catcher® so you don’t accidentally fuck-up a load and Woolite® Extra Dark Care laundry detergent to keep your shit from looking faded.

30. Storage
We’re talking cloud, flash, SSD… your shit should be backed-up every which way and you go nowhere without a data transport option.

31. Renter’s insurance
As we mentioned, you’re at an age where you’re starting to accumulate some serious goods. When your upstairs neighbor floods your crib because they hung their laundry from the fire sprinklers, you’ll need to replace all your shit. Alternatively, consider homeowner’s insurance and car insurance is a no-brainer.

32. A hobby
Don’t even say “my hobby is work” or “my hobby is working out.” You need an actual hobby. Knitting, reading, carpentry, coin collecting, rebuilding classic cars, gardening, etc. Something you can leisurely enjoy and chill the hell out. Hobbies are cool.

33. A library card
Seriously, get yourself a damn library card. Need a new book? Library. “But I’ve got a Kindle, Nook, gadget for reading,” you say. Guess what? Libraries are all about the ebook and the audiobook. You can even download that shit from home. Plus, libraries also have all kinds of cool, smarty-pants events.

34. A simple black suit that fits well
We like New York & Co for a simple, black standard for bitches on a budget, but the key is to have something hanging in your closet that feels good and fits well. You’ll use it more than you know.

35. A mechanic you trust with your wheels
Do not wait until your wheels are on their last leg to find a fixer. Find a mechanic that will tell you what MUST be fixed, not what SHOULD be fixed, and who will fix it fast and at a fair price.

36. A tuned Spidey-sense to know when shit ain’t right and when to act on it
It’s important to learn when to retreat, when to stand your ground, when to come to blows over what you believe in.

37. A theme song to strut to
Everything is better to theme music.

38. An escape plan and a Plan B, (and C, and D…)
Who do you call? Where do you go? Where is the disposal site? Get your shit in order BEFORE shit goes down.

39. To stop reading these ridiculous lists
You are a grown woman. Don’t you know what you need?