Veritas.

This is my first post on medium. And it’s probably the most important thing I’ve ever written.

Given that, it may be really bad. So I apologise.

However, what I will not apologise for is being gay. Not a second, not another tweet, not another tear and not another line longer.

I am gay.

So um, yeah — Thanks for reading, please come again!

I’d like it to be that simple, that succinct, but there are obviously many things to say and I hope you will let me say it.

I thought leaving my last job was hard, looking after a stroke victim, living with people with cancer, dealing with women abuse, child abuse and drug abuse in the family was difficult.

But holy shit, try coming out.

This poor little confused boy in the closet thing must bore so many people, I don’t care. The fear of so many things is so real. Especially when you’re not a little boy but a young man with a career and family life too complex to imagine.

The main fear is that of being honest with yourself. Oddly enough I accepted myself pretty well. I never hated myself, I was just fearful. Knowing that you will have to leave people, to remove them from your life, knowing people you love will hate you, will say things behind your back and try to hurt you.

Not knowing how will I feel about gay jokes — however flippant it will be from friends around the bar.

How my friends will feel about crashing on the couch next to me? Giving me a high-five or a hug?

Will I ever be invited for beer (which by the way I’m gonna need as soon as I click publish)

The ones who tolerate it as long as “it’s not in their faces”.

Will they believe me when I say I have never been attracted to any of my friends — hell, half of them are drunk weirdos with bad hair and dry lips — Definitely not my dream.

But, I just didn’t know, you know?

You torture yourself, not with the big questions of am I or aren’t I — it’s the small daily things that make you sweat. Like what will the next big indian family function be like? The reunion? The next day at work?

I also have religious friends & family I thought would want to bless me with holy water and then delete my number, think less of me — discard me. Many of them will do so quietly but painfully none-the-less.

I cared about what their husbands would say, if their wives would approve. I worried about what people would do or say when they were drunk and attempting real honesty. Would they even get drunk with me?

What would clients think? Would they trust a “limp-wristed fairy” with their strategy, with being cut-throat, measured and the best damn choice?

I’d hoped so, but never knew for sure.

I have friends that have passed remarks, made jokes, said amazingly ignorant things about gay people. I wanted them to still like me, be my mentors, my best friends.

How fucked up is that?

I have aunts and uncles, cousins who think being gay is disgusting. They’ve said so, openly. Talked about it. Changed the channel during a gay scene.

These are people that raised me. They’ve mocked and predicted hell fire and a life of sin. They’ve (mis)quoted the bible and made AIDS jokes. Basically, gay singing and dancing makes Satan happy and give him power to destroy us all. Men mustn’t love men in that way.

“sis”

“I don’t get it”

“I can’t stand it”

“I’m OK with them but I don’t understand it”

“I don’t get this Caitlyn Jenner thing”.

It kept me back from saying any of this, from wanting to so badly to tell you all. I hope we can still be a family.

The good thing is I have a comeback for everything, a way to rationalise everything, to argue and to debate and most importantly to accept. Ask anyone that’s worked with me. Don’t try and take me on and not expect a fight. I’ll accept your opinion and your view, I’ll just make sure you hear mine.

And I have my answers. My rebuttals. My truth. Come at me.

I pushed down the importance of it. Getting ahead in my career was more important. Why delay that? Staying friends for years was more important. Concentrating on getting that Visa, getting the house fixed, getting more money, more job satisfaction, drinking more, staying part of the crowd, being comfortable, pretending — it was all actually exhausting.

For some people this announcement it will be like -

*Yawn* “Keenan is gay, grass is green, water is wet — how did people not know this?”

“Seriously, he may as well have walked around in Gaga heels and a Glee T-Shirt singing songs from Cabaret!”

PS: I’m not that kinda gay — is that a thing? Types of gay? I’ve never seen Cabaret or have a compulsion to wear heels.

I have a lot to learn.

Thank you to those people for letting me deal with this my own way. For not outting me until I was ready.

Some of you probably think I came out a while ago. That’s cool too. But don’t assume such things of people.

For others it will be a shock, a betrayal because I lied to you, hid from you, didn’t trust you, tell you first or believe in you enough. I get that. It was a conscious decision to lie.

I’m sorry.

Although none of this was really a decision. I wasn’t like “Fuck it, no matches on Tinder again?! Oh well…better be a big ol’ gay then.”

Unlike many others out there — I never always knew. Sincerely. I think I know now — but who really knows — my feelings toward Shailene Woodley and Jennifer Lopez make me wonder. I loved and lusted like many teenage boys over many girls. Even up until recently. Seriously. But this fluidity revealed itself to me slowly, painfully, amazingly. I was even slower to accept it and so dealing with that level of change and acceptance was hard.

I had elaborate plans of coming out to my mother first (which I did — is that cliche?) and then my brothers and their wives, then my family, then best friends etc etc in the most hilarious and spectacular ways. It would have been amazing! I mean c’mon I’m a hoot!

But it would have meant I would have to spend yet another day postponing who I am. Waiting on someone else’s travel plans, on their availability — and I have more than enough of that already in my life.

Also, Tuesday just seemed like a good enough day.

I know the world is a different place to what it was, I live in a beautiful country that let’s anyone be who they want to be and marry and divorce and yet that isn’t always the reality. It’s not as simple as a blog post. I know that. I like that.

But since you’re here anyway there are a few very important notes for my friends and family — read them, live them:

1. I am not now your “gay best friend”. Call me that and I will cut. I’m just your best friend.

2. I am not and have not been attracted to any of my guy friends. Not even when we shared a couch/locker room/bed/room/shower/skinny dipped/wore mankinis/compared sizes (thinking about it, straight guys are really gay). I’ve never tried to check you out, nor will I. You’re all pretty gross. But It’s ok, I accept you. I still love you.

3. I will not try and “do” anything to you. That is called rape. I am not a rapist.

4. I want kids. I want to be a father and will be. I want to be a grandfather. I will love them alone or with a partner.

5. I can’t turn other people gay. I’ve tried. My GayRayGun needs new batteries I think.

6. I love women. I hast laid with thine a plenty and dost was glorious! It’s just not my bag, baby. But forgive me should I slip into that life of sin. I’m still dealing.

7. I don’t know how I feel about gay jokes yet, so let’s go easy on those ok?

8. I will talk to you if you don’t understand, but you need to TRY.

9. I don’t want to be treated any differently.

10. I made juice this morning. I am a juicer. I juice.

11. I have not been pretending to be someone I’m not, not exactly — I am who I am. Just, more now. More whole. More Keenan.

12. Back me up on this. Please. If someone calls me a fag or something, tell them to shut up. Be cool. Be brave.

13. I still like beer, smelling my own farts, craft beer, boys weekends, boobs, beer, brandy and everything else I used to like…. I just added some vitamin D to that list — NAHIMSAYING!? haha…. *cough* sorry about that.

14. I will dress the same. So keep buying me clothes I hate and I will keep exchanging them like always.

15. I will like the same music. I will not suddenly like Taylor Swift.

16. I am still Christian and still Anglican and still questioning/understanding all of it.

17. I don’t want or like pink stuff. Or glitter — glitter is evil. Pink Glitter is Satan.

18. This doesn’t mean I want a hand in organising your wedding. Or party. Picking your clothes or doing your hair. Please see number 1.

19. I like being a man. Treat me as one. I will try and be a better man, always. For myself, my friends and my family. And frankly, I think I’m doing pretty good job so far.

20. I have always loved drama, theatre and show tunes. That doesn’t make you gay, kids.

21. Do not expect me to suddenly have better skin, be thinner, have better hair or nails. I mean, my hair is pretty amazing anyway. But, no.

22. Thanks for reading my story, well at least what is the start of a glorious new one.

Kindest Regards,

Keenan