Tips to survive Thanksgiving from an expert on social emotional health

Thanksgiving is complicated. If you are feeling anxious about the upcoming time around the table or just hanging with your friends and/or family, you’re not alone. In hard moments at these gatherings, many of us ask ourselves some or all of the questions below. As an expert on social emotional health, I wanted to give some tips and help you prepare.

What do I do when people say shit that makes me angry? Do I blow up? Do I stew in anger?

Anger is a powerful feeling, but it is often an Iceberg emotion. If you stop and think about it, you’re likely experiencing a cocktail of different emotions. To prepare yourself for those moments, check out this tiny guide to understanding anger. Another aspect of anger is that your critical thinking gets clouded. Save this tiny guide to Emotional Hijacking for those moments.

Dealing with the things people say is also tricky. If someone says something racist, for example, telling them that their point of view on race denies others’ acceptance of identity or emotional safety is more effective than telling them they are a racist asshole. Try using the 10 Elements of Dignity to name how someone’s choices, actions, or language impacts you. This can depersonalize conflict and won’t weaponize shame. If someone says or does something upsetting and doesn’t want to acknowledge it, you can talk them through the difference between intention and impact. This article from Everyday Feminism is super helpful.

If I feel overwhelmed, how do I take breaks to think constructively about what I’m feeling and not “spin out”?

Save this tiny guide for managing anxious moments. If you are feeling overwhelmed, go hide in the bathroom or find somewhere you can take a break. Remind yourself, feelings are not facts. The more you can name your feelings the easier it is to tame your feelings. Being able to differentiate between your emotions helps clarify what you are going through and how to respond. Watch this video on Emotional Granularity to better understand this process.

Two emotions that fuck with us a lot are shame and vulnerability. You are a fucking badass human. Remember that every moment of every day. You are worthy, you matter, you are loved. Self-Compassion is important. Our society is so competitive and makes us feel like we have to be making millions, be some bullshit ideal size, or have zero problems to be worthy. Fuck that noise. Give yourself permission to go hide from other humans for 20 minutes and try one of the exercises.

How do I react when something hurtful is said to me or to my partner or friends? What can I say without being an asshole?

Humans are super vulnerable to being treated as if we don’t matter. Our brains process emotional pain the same way we process physical pain. Remember that you can have boundaries and they fucking matter. If you need a reminder, watch this video about boundaries. Your humanity is not negotiable. You DO NOT have to set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.

You also get to advocate for yourself when someone causes harm. You do not have to respect everyone, which is really freeing to think about. Respect is social admiration that is earned or lost through someone’s choices, actions, and behavior. However, just because you don’t respect them, that is not permission to dehumanize or degrade them. When you want to address something hurtful that someone said without also being hurtful, use dignity. Dignity is the inherent worth and value of all humans. We all have it and we all have the same amount. Dignity it non-negotiable. Read through this tiny guide on Dignity for more info.

Megan Saxelby is an expert in social emotional health, education and organizational culture. Her work focuses on dignity as a framework for creating and cultivating healthy communities.

More about Megan as megansaxelby.com.

This is a guest post from Megan Saxelby for Lama Six. If you’d like to collaborate with us, send us an email at hi@lamasix.com

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