Stupid Bowl

Conversations with myself.

“Can you imagine?”

“Imagine what?”

“The Olympics?”

“You’ve already lost me. Who starts a conversation like that?”

“I just mean given the incredible disruption happening to San Francisco because our new stadium…”

“Which isn’t anywhere near San Francisco.”

“Well, I mean, it’s near in the sense that it’s nearer to San Francisco than it is to, like, Denver.”

“Right.”

“And given that the Super Bowl game lasts one day, and given that San Francisco’s team isn’t even participating in the game, can you imagine what it must do to a city to host the Olympics for two weeks?”

“Chaos, probably.”

“And who’d want to do that knowing what happens?”

“Rio. Tokyo. London. Outer bumfuck Russian town I can’t remember.”

“And the scuttlebutt is that the city is spending around $4 million to kowtow to the NFL so we have the distinct honor of hosting this celebration of brain injury.”

“The NFL is a non-profit organization.”

“No, it’s not.”

“Yes it is!”

“No. It used to be, but they figured out that the way the tax structure works in the United States, they can throw away their old tax-exempt status and still pay zero dollars in taxes — but by throwing that out they no longer need to divulge that they pay the commissioner $44 million a year, or how much each team makes in TV rights and promotions, or how little they paid to build the stadiums they all use because you paid for them.”

“Me?”

“Well, you’re a taxpayer, aren’t you?”

“Since I am not a corporation, yes, I pay taxes.”

“29 of the 31 NFL stadiums have been paid for with taxpayer money, and last year alone $3 billion in local taxes went towards the building or maintenance of half of those stadiums.”

“Yes, but, an NFL team in a city generates…”

“The Indianapolis Colts received $600 million in taxpayer funds.”

“Yes, but….”

“How often have the Indianapolis Colts drawn you to Indianapolis?”

“Let’s be honest, here. There is no professional anything team that would draw me to a city.”

“Studies have shown that the economic benefits of having an NFL team do not flow to the city.”

“Where do they go, then?”

“As you would expect, they flow to the team owners. New stadiums help to double a team’s value, so they can require that a city pay for a new stadium, but there’s nothing to keep them there if another city builds a better stadium and makes a better offer to lure them.”

“Well, one assumes they have a contract.”

“Contracts end. Loyalty is a by-product of a bygone age. And new stadiums are required because they have new luxury boxes and more seats that the team can suck money out of — money that doesn’t repay the taxpayers for their investment in the team.”

“For someone who doesn’t give a shit about football, you’re spouting a lot of information here.”

“Can you imagine what $600 million could do for local schools? Or infrastruture? Or public transportation?”

“Yes, but…new stadium! Shiny! Team play!”

“What’re you doing?”

“I imagine that’s how professional football fans talk.”

“No, they speak just like you do. Only they’re generally holding a Bud Light in one hand and their face is painted to resemble an indigenous American while they scream about how indigenous Americans should be proud that we have a football team named after them.”

“It’s named for a skin color. It’s not….”

“Details, schmetails.”

“How much did the San Francisco stadium cost?”

“Levi’s Stadium cost an estimated $1.3 billion.”

“How much did I pay?”

“You got lucky. The city of Santa Clara, where the stadium is actually located, borrowed $850 million from Goldman Sachs, Bank of America and US Bank to cover construction costs. An additional $200 million was loaned to the 49ers from the NFL Owners. San Francisco didn’t pay anything because the city of San Francisco was unwilling to build a new stadium at Candlestick Point, so the 49ers asked Santa Clara if they’d be so kind as to go into deep debt to help them out.”

“Nice!”

“And then Levi’s paid around $220 million for the naming rights to the stadium, with the funds to be shared between Santa Clara and the 49ers.”

“So that $1.3 billion price tag isn’t actually so bad, when you consider...”

“You just said that paying over a billion dollars for a professional football stadium isn’t so bad.”

“I’m…trying to be diplomatic.”

“No one here but you and me, so….”

“Yeah. You’re right. It’s fucked.”