‘I Like Your Article’: Why do we Give Compliments?
And Do Different Cultures Use Compliments Differently?
Apparently, the province of Ontario has a sister province in China called Jiangsu. So, the good people of Ontario met up with the good people of Jiangsu and made a cross-border educational program in which almost 100 middle school and high school English teachers from Jiangsu came to Toronto to learn cutting-edge language teaching techniques. And, I graciously found myself at the front of this classroom, as the teacher trainer.
I will never forget how a small miscommunication sparked my interest in an entire field of linguistics.
Shirley was one of the most interesting and best-dressed Chinese teachers in the group. Her clothes were mostly brightly colored and handmade of natural fabrics, some sewn together like a mosaic, and her accessories proportionately balanced her outfits.
One morning, I said, “Hi Shirley! I like your necklace.”
I didn’t think much of it at the time, and I expected her to say something along the lines of “thank you,” “it is special to me,” or even “my friend made it.”
But instead, to my astonishment, she reached her hands over her neck, grasped both sides of the necklace, gently removed her neck from the hole in the necklace, and presented it to me as an offering- a sacred offering. My mind spiraled out of control, and I imagined her presenting it to me while resting on one knee, which thankfully did NOT happen.
Now, wait a minute here, Shirley! I did not ask for the necklace. I simply like it. On you. On your neck. And, I thought it would make for good small talk. I thought I was spreading joy, albeit in a microcosm.
Wait, do compliments mean something different in Chinese culture? Is the concept of a complement universal? Why do we offer so many compliments anyway? And, what is the “correct” response when someone likes your Medium article?
And just like that, I was traveling down the sociopragmatic rabbit hole of compliments.
It is generally understood that some features of a compliment are thought to be universal to all languages and others which are language-specific.
Most linguistics agree that the main function of a compliment is thought to be universal − that is, to establish solidarity.
When I told Shirley that I liked her necklace, I was subliminally sending the message, ‘hey, I know I’m the teacher of this class, but more importantly, we are equals.”
According to politeness theory, complimenting in all languages can be viewed as an inclusion strategy that gives face to the listener by including him or her in a social group (Brown & Levinson,1989). In such fashion, maybe I was also saying, ‘hey Shirley, maybe we can be friends.”
Compliments have other functions as well, such as conversation openers and setting examples for good behavior, for example in teaching situations. However, the frequency and function of compliments vary across cultural and linguistic groups.
Studies have found that most compliments focus on appearance, possessions, ability, and performance, but acceptable topics vary cross-culturally. American English speakers are most likely to offer compliments based on changes in appearance and new possession owing to the fact that newness is highly valued in American society (Yu, 2005).
Furthermore, cross-cultural explorations have illustrated that speakers of American English offer more compliments than speakers from other cultures feel is warranted. Do we offer too many compliments? Are we just off the rails with the ‘I love the color of your blush’ or ‘I like your choice in font’?
Similar to compliment functions, compliment-response strategies take several forms: acceptance (Thank you), downgrading (It was pretty cheap), questioning (Do you really like it?), returning (You also look great today), and shifting credit (My aunt bought it for me) (Tran, 2008).
Compliment responses are thought to vary significantly across cultural and linguistic groups.
Americans are also far more likely to use rejection and downgrading as compliment response strategies than speakers from other cultures feel is reasonable (Herbert & Straight, 1989). If Shirley were American, she would likely have said, “oh, this cheap old necklace?”
This contrast can be explained in terms of broad ideological differences between cultures and psycholinguistic differences between speakers. It has been suggested that since democratic societies tend to place a high value on human equality, their members would feel a greater need to establish equality via social solidarity.
However, other cultures that traditionally legitimize hierarchical social structures, such as Chinese society, may offer fewer compliments as a demonstration of respect for authority (Yu, 2005).
Eureka! So, this is why Shirley offered me the necklace!!!!
Interestingly, English-speakers would nearly unanimously agree that the most “correct” response to a compliment is ‘thank you’. However, research suggests that Americans rarely use it.
Americans use acceptance strategies in only 33% of compliment responses and particularly infrequently among close friends.
This can be attributed to an internal struggle between the desire to agree with the speaker and the desire to avoid self-praise. So even if Shirley were American, she would unlikely have responded with a simple, “thank you”.
In addition to cross-cultural variation, the frequency and distribution of compliment sequences vary according to gender. For instance, women are more likely than men to use the formulaic routine ‘That’s a nice NOUN’ than the routine, ‘NOUN is very ADJECTIVE’.
Similarly, women are more likely than men to say, ‘I love X’ than to say ‘I like X’. Also, men are more likely than women to use acceptance response strategies. However, women are more likely to accept compliments given by men than other women. So, if I were a man, maybe Shirley would have said, ‘thank you’.
Hello, world! Time to pop my head out of that rabbit hole and come to some human conclusions.
We give a lot of compliments but for good reason: to bring people together. And there ain’t nothing wrong with that. But next time, someone offers me a compliment and likes my Medium article or likes my scarf, I’m going to avoid deflection and own it with a simple ‘thank you so much’!!!
Brown, P., & Levinson, S. C. (1987). Politeness: Some universals in language usage. New York: Cambridge University Press.
Herbert, R. K., & Straight, H. S. (1989). Compliment-rejection versus compliment-avoidance: Listener-based versus speaker-based pragmatic strategies. Language & Communication, 9(1), 35–47.
Tran, G. Q. (2008). Pragmatic and discourse transfer of combination of compliment response strategies in second language learning and usage. Asian EFL Journal, 10(2), Retrieved on June 14, 2008 from http://www.asian-efl-journal.com
Yu, M. (2005). Sociolinguistic competence in the complimenting act of native Chinese and American English speakers: A mirror of cultural values. Language and Speech, 48(1), 91–119.
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