Why People Say They’re Sorry…A Lot
We all mistakes.
Some are as small as forgetting their friend’s sister’s boyfriends’ dog’s name, and others are as big as shouting out your friend’s sister’s boyfriends’ dog’s name when in bed with your lover.
But, interestingly enough, no matter how small or how big are our digresses, we say “I’m sorry” indiscriminately.
We were raised to think that all wrongdoings can be magically erased with the ‘I’m sorry’ wand. Little Bobby! Did you through that rock at Suzie’s eye and now it is gushing blood and she may be eternally blind??? Say you’re sorry!!!!!
We are also raised to think that receiving a sorry is the predecessor to feeling better after such an incident. See, Suzie? Bobby said he was sorry. Don’t you feel better now? Wipe that blood from your eye!
Here’s the thing. Apologies are one of many pragmatic speech acts, and they help manage relationships when some sort of violation takes place. When deciding to deliver an apology, the speaker is willing to humiliate themselves and accept responsibility for said violation (Olshtain, 1989). In this process, the hearer saves face, and, ideally, the heart wounds are cleaned up and a bandaid is placed gently on the relationship.
An apology is figurative make-up sex.
But let’s be real. If your roommate borrowed your car without permission and accidentally smashed it into the corner bakery, ‘I’m sorry’ wouldn’t scratch the surface. This would require a more extensive apology set. First, express an explicit apology (I’m sorry), and then acknowledge responsibility (It’s completely my fault). Follow this up by offering to repair the situation (I will get your car fixed up in no time), and give an explanation or excuse (I must have been sleepwalking when I borrowed your car) (Cohen & Olshtain, 1993).
Of course, the apology can be modified. We can intensify it with, “I’m so sorry”. We can also downgrade or deflect responsibility (Sorry, but….. you never even drive that car).
This “sorry, but…” is largely described as a simultaneous kiss and slap in the face. It is such a popular asshole move, one which I am guilty of myself, because it balances saving the hearer’s face and minimizing the speaker’s loss of face. “Sorry, but…” is also the bane of apology existence. It might as well morph into the ever so popular, “Sorry, but not sorry”.
How culturally unique are apologies? If I made a mistake on the other side of the world, would I need to give my firstborn? Well, linguists suggest that the explicit apology (I’m Sorry) and the acknowledgment of responsibility (It’s completely my fault) materialize, to varying degrees, in all apology situations and in all languages around the world. That is more universal than the Universal Kingdom!
However, the kinds of social offenses that call for apologetic remediation may differ across cultures and languages (Wolfson, Marmor, and Jones, 1989). Whereas you may feel the need to apologize after slipping out a burp at a dinner party, the same act may reward you with praises in some parts of China.
The frequency of apologies also varies across cultures.
I proudly come from the apology capital of the world, Canada. Here, if you were to stick out your foot and cause someone to trip and fall, it is very likely the person on the floor would pick themselves up and say sorry to the tripper, who would likely reply with, “no I’m sorry” to which the tripped would reply “no, I’m sorry”. This very intimate conversation could continue for a while.
So, the next time you make a mistake, consider the intensity of it, and either follow up with an apology set or switch it up a bit with a “f*ck you and your mother” and take witness to the reaction.
Note to the reader: This is my fourth blog post ever! I am brand new to Medium and if you like what you see, it would pull my heartstrings if you follow me or clap at my article. I will be sure to follow you back. :)
Cohen, A. D., & Olshtain, E. (1993). The production of speech acts by EFL learners. TESOL Quarterly, 27(1), 33–56.
Olshtain, E. (1989). Apologies across languages. In S. Blum-Kulka, J. House, & G. Kasper (Eds.), Cross-cultural pragmatics: Requests and apologies (pp.155–173). Norwood, NJ: Ablex Publishing Corp.
Wolfson, N., Marmor, T., & Jones, S. (1989). Problems in the comparison of speech acts across cultures. In S. Blum-Kulka, J. House, & G. Kasper (Eds.), Cross-cultural pragmatics: Requests and apologies (pp.155–173). Norwood, NJ: Ablex Publishing Corp.
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