Flights of Fancy

Tonight is my 22nd night shift working in the ER in 24 days, and surprisingly, I still feel great. I originally scheduled myself to work 42 shifts in 46 days- yes, I now realize that this was insane!- but due to unforeseen circumstances, or more likely, Divine intervention, 3 shifts were taken away from me. I at first strongly considered fighting to get those shifts back because as a Locums provider, I have a contract stating that those shifts were assigned to me. However, I realized that there was a good chance that this was the Universe trying to tell me: “Chillasana!” and to recognize that 42 shifts in 46 days was not at all reasonable. I complied and am now gleefully counting down the three remaining shifts I have left before my three day “vacation” before returning to work another 14 night shifts. OM NAMAH SHIVAYA!!!

One of the side effects of working so many night shifts and a schedule that perpetually cycles from work, gym, write, work- a variation that mirrors the daily cycle of life that can be boiled down to “metro, boulout, dodo” (train, work, sleep)- is that my mind sprouts wings and takes fanciful journeys that some would call hallucinations. So in my journeys to the far reaches of the Universe, I encountered this thought: We appear to make decisions but in reality, EVERYTHING, including our thoughts, actions and everything that we perceive and experience, is just happening. There is only Consciousness!

So, for instance, I ostensibly signed up for these 42 shifts in order to pay my bills and avoid accumulating further debt. However, from the bird’s eye view of my life that I had from soaring high above the plains of Consciousness, I was able to see that there were grand movements of energy that were incredibly beautiful, grandiose, and complex. I circled again and again making a desperate attempt to make sense of these movements, make out any recognizable patterns that could perhaps facilitate a morsel of insight, a tad of comprehension, but alas, it was beyond my understanding. Everything was just happening and in fact, there was no distinct me to which it was all happening. I, and everything and everyone, were somehow there but only as conglomerations of the energies whirling around and casting a reflection on this great crystalline lake below it.

So even without the intellectual understanding, it has come to my attention that there is more at play here than simply working these insane amount of night shifts simply to earn dollars. Don Diego, the shaman to whom I owe so much (my novel “The Twin Flames, the Master, and the Game” is in part dedicated to him.) explained that there were many deprivations during the ten days of Dieta- for instance, we were fed only boiled plaintains and plain rice once on ceremony days and twice on the integration days- as a means of taming the body and allowing the spirit to emerge. In many ways, these 24 days very much remind me of Dietas in the Amazon jungle where my mind and body were exhausted, bankrupt, and all that remained was the spirit. In this state, long after any remnant of resistance can muster a whimper, insights, life lessons, realizations of the ridiculousness of me, my perceptions and my beliefs are flowing in at a vertiginous pace and I consequently am filled with emotions varying from elation, psychic pain, tears of joy, hopelessness, bliss and gratitude. I certainly wish there were an easier way of being open to these blessings without having to subject myself to Dietas and working so many shifts, but apparently this is part of that conglomeration of energies whirling around and casting a reflection on this great crystalline lake below it that I now recognize unmistakably as my life. What a blessing!

So what have I learned? It took me long enough to really embrace the following but it’s the inevitable conclusion if one subscribes to the following propositions. The first is from Bhagavan Sri Ramana Maharshi, the Hindu sage who many regard as having been an enlightened being. He recommended self-enquiry as the principal means to remove ignorance and abide in Self-awareness, which boiled down to the practice of contemplating on the question: “Who am I?” The second proposition is the Advaita teaching of non-duality, that there is only one, not two.

If you follow the first and continually ask yourself “who am I?” you actually do not arrive at “something” to hang your hat on. Rather, you disappear as an individual and separate entity. The second proposition is more evident: If there is only Consciousness, only one and not two, then unless you are a megalomaniac, “you” cannot possibly exist as a separate entity. This at first may appear as mental acrobatics, but with grace, it becomes a liberating experience where you understand (in a manner that is way beyond the intellectual mind) that the you who you believe you are is simply a manifestation of Consciousness, a massive and wondrous wave arising from the immense ocean that is still nothing more than the ocean. This leads us to what every sage that has walked the earth has pointed to: There is only Consciousness and we are mere expressions of it. Consciousness putting on all the costumes and playing all the roles of you, me, everyone and everything simultaneously.

But why you may ask? I haven’t the foggiest idea and am not sure I am capable of working another 100 consecutive nights to merit this understanding, and more over, am not really interested in such questions. After what I have already been gifted, it’s all intellectual mumbo-jumbo. I do, however, appreciate Jed McKenna’s (one of my great heroes, author of the most important books I have read in my life “The Enlightenment Trilogy,” and one of the three people to whom I dedicated my novel.) response to this. I’m paraphrasing what I recall from his book “Dreamstate”: Jed asks us to imagine an all-powerful being having the capacity to visualize and experience all the beauty and wonders of the Universe- all manifestions of herself- similar to having hundreds of high-resolution TV monitors with infinite channels to watch the magnificent creatures of the sea, galaxies of the Universe, etcetera. He points out that after about 10 minutes she’d be bored. So because she was bored, she decided to create us as manifestations of herself simply for her amusement. Why not? But as I stated above, after the initial experience of dissolving as a separate entity, it’s all intellectual mumbo-jumbo.

I desperately need to sleep!

I am an emergency physician, writer and a lover of life. The purpose of this blog is to share my ideas, experiences and perspectives as they relate to Consciousness, and as they evolve. Consciousness encompasses everything in my life, your life, the world, the Universe — in other words — EVERYTHING! As the great Shaman Don Diego used to say: “It’s not the most important thing, and it’s not the least important thing…It’s the ONLY thing!”

Check out my novel: “The Twin Flames, the Master, and the Game”! It’s available on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and Balboa Press.