Wiley E. Coyote

I just completed my 28th night shift in 35 days and although I’ve been feeling great until now, I can honestly say that I’m now officially exhausted. Although I had a very restful and long sleep, I woke up feeling completely bankrupt. My first inclination was to consider the obvious: Dude, you just worked 28 night shifts in 35 days- Of course you’re tired! What were you thinking?! It would certainly be reasonable to stop there, however, I’m convinced that it’s not just a physical exhaustion. My second thought was the fact that I actually have not been in the sun or seen it since 10/9/17 when I embarked on this madness. When I was younger I was very sensitive to a lack of sunlight during Winters and would become depressed (Seasonal affective disorder), but I haven’t had this for at least 15 years. Nonetheless, this is clearly a strong possibility in addition to the fact that I’ve never done so many consecutive night shifts (Dude, what were you thinking?!!!)

Perhaps I’m digging too far into this since I already have two very good reasons for feeling terrible, but I feel that this mal-aise goes much deeper and represents a psycho-spiritual manifestation of events that have led me to this point in time. As I wrote previously, there’s the superficial reason for which I signed up for the ridiculous amount of shifts during this short period- earning dollars- but I have learned in my life that there are forces at play well beyond the comprehension of the rational mind (at least mine!). Similar to going to a Dieta of medicinal plants, the idea is to beat down the body to allow the spirit to emerge, and through this process one evolves. As many sages have shared, this type of evolution is not a construction project, but rather a demolition project.

I know exactly what I signed up for in this lifetime, but getting demolished again and again is getting a bit tedious. Sure I’ve made tremendous progress in the sense that I’ve let go of so many of my beliefs and attachments. Layers have been discarded as the garments of a strip tease artist. Consequently, I feel lighter and I move through this reality with greater and greater ease. I feel that I now truly understand the words the shaman Don Diego used to sing: “Life is so simple, all you have to do is breathe.” The so-called conflicts/struggles that I previously perceived in my life have dissipated and all that is left are vague memories of a drama that I once experienced in some theatrical performance. I am no longer “seeking” (what a relief!!!) and more and more am simply “reading my lines” and doing what is indicated rather than what “I” want to do. Moreover, I am able to discern when “I” am exerting my will and can see that the results of those “me” actions are often disastrous. However, despite letting go of the proverbial tiller and allowing the Divine to direct me, I’m feeling more and more like Wile E. Coyote who one day suddenly realizes the absurdity of his entire existence. (Another MUST READ: Jed McKenna’s “Dreamstate” where he discusses the saga of Wile E. Coyote brilliantly.)

I used to believe that the name of the game was “Surrender,” but have learned that this concept is just another layer of “doership” that only buttresses the fictitious entity that we identify ourselves as. It re-enforces the notion that there is actually someone that needs to do something, which in turn creates the very entity that is getting in the way of our liberation. It’s as though we were in a hot air balloon really desperate to get down but in our frantic efforts to do so, are inadvertently blowing more hot air into the balloon that keeps us afloat. Consequently, “surrendering” may actually be part of the problem of maintaining this illusion that we are experiencing as reality, and hence, another one of Maya’s tools.

Since early childhood, I have always equated travel more with journeys of the mind rather than physical journeys to places. This is likely because I didn’t have the means to physically travel and in many ways, felt trapped, physically and metaphorically. I certainly didn’t have the vocabulary to describe what I was feeling but at the early age of nine, I had somehow tapped into Henry David Thoreau’s “men lead lives of quiet desperation” and was looking for a way out, an escape.

While in the jungle many years later, Don Diego (the shaman) related a story which resonated in me profoundly and described the predicament in which I found myself. He described a large zoo in which all these lions were kept in captivity. They had just captured a young lion and the warden greeted him warmly, and gave him the tour. The warden stated that things worked very well in this dwelling because all the lions found there place in various groups. He introduced the young lion to the various groups- the sports fans, those who love to discuss politics, the intellectuals, the athletes, etc. The warden pointed out that engaging oneself in these groups kept everyone occupied and happy, and suggested that the young lion start making the rounds to determine which group he would would best fit. This appealed to the young lion since there were so many groups to choose from. However, he noted that in one corner there was a lone lion gazing out of the bars of the cage, and he asked the warden what that lone lion was doing. The warden told the young lion sternly that he should steer clear of that particular lion because he was crazy. After the warden left, the young lion was curious and went over the the lone lion and asked him what he was doing. He wanted to know why he chose to be all alone rather than mingling with the other lions and engaging in all the various activities that were available. The older lion ignored him and just kept staring out beyond the bars. After asking a few more times, the older lion, without moving his head from his focus outside of the cage responded: “I’m doing the only thing that’s worthwhile in this prison, I’m thinking about my freedom, how to escape.”

Although at times, or rather most of the time appearing counterintuitive, I’m starting to really understand that the real name of the game is “letting go”: Allowing everything to be exactly as it is (I love Byron Katie’s expression: “Loving what is!”) and simply observing. In doing so, the doer drops out leaving Consciousness to play out all its diverse roles and we have a front row seat to its Divine Comedy, the Play of Lila. The alternative is perpetually playing the role of Wiley Coyote and never bother asking: “Why am I doing this again and again? What’s the point of all this?” I don’t know about you, but I’m done with this and am looking for a way out.

So what does any of this have to do with the madness of working 35 shifts in 41 days? Well, while in this state of physical and psycho-spiritual bankruptcy, words that Jed McKenna shared- although registered and intellectually understood- were able to finally penetrate into my being and make sense. He said (paraphrasing): “First you let go, and then you let go of the letting go.” This boils down to allowing, accepting everything as it is, and observing. I’ve also heard it described as “resting in Being.” It’s letting go of the illusion of control, the illusion of you. From the point of view of the mind, this sounds like pure silliness and the ravings of someone who definitely needs to take a break and sleep-Touché!

So for now, I’m exhausted and I am allowing it and simply observing it again and again as I watched the “Roadrunner” reruns again again. The difference is that I now realize that I am Wile E. Coyote getting bludgeoned, falling from cliffs, and being blown up again and again- BASTA!!! I only have 9 more shifts in the next ten days before I go back to New York for one day to have Thanksgiving with my family. I’ll then fly to Punta del Este, Uruguay to meet the love of my life Alexandra and watch her compete in another half-Iron Man, and then we’ll go to Buenos Aires and Tango our asses off. I can’t wait! While she’s preparing for the Iron Man, I’ll work on letting go of the letting go- Maybe I’ll win a medal!

I am an emergency physician, writer and a lover of life. The purpose of this blog is to share my ideas, experiences and perspectives as they relate to Consciousness, and as they evolve. Consciousness encompasses everything in my life, your life, the world, the Universe — in other words — EVERYTHING! As the great Shaman Don Diego used to say: “It’s not the most important thing, and it’s not the least important thing…It’s the ONLY thing!”

Check out my novel: “The Twin Flames, the Master, and the Game”! It’s available on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and Balboa Press.