What To Expect When You’re Expecting
Your pregnancy test says positive, you have that ethereal glow and your body is craving refined sugar for the first time in two decades. It’s official. You’re going to be a mother! Welcome to the club (not my country club, that one you can only receive entry upon buying a building) — welcome to the mom club. I remember in those early days thinking, “How is another human going to fit in me when even my husband’s dick can’t?” and “Do they have Pilates classes for babies?” Looking back, I just wish I had had someone there to give me advice before entering the crazy world of motherhood. So here are some tips for you soon to be baby mamas:
1. Expect your Instagram engagement to go up rapidly
2. Your body will whip right back into shape once you have your baby with the help of two personal trainers (one of which there was palpable sexual chemistry) and daily colonics.
3. Expect your Facebook engagement to go up rapidly
4. You will actually sleep very soundly through the night
5. Your nanny will not sleep through the night
6. Finding 100% cashmere sweaters in “3 months” size is frustratingly near impossible? But I found a store in Florence that makes custom sizes in gender neutral colors DM for details
7. You won’t have to change as many diapers as they say!
8. Your nanny will be swimming in loose poo
9. At the end of every day, you will go to bed saying “I am a mother and today, I picked the perfect filter.”
