7 Reasonable Reasons to Give Jared Kushner a Chance to Fix Government
The White House Puts Jared in Charge
Each week the White House tells the public that it’s “going to put points on the board, for real this time” and each Monday there’s a release of some sort meant to signal a positive change — although, signing a constitutionally illegal Muslim ban every 3 weeks may not be hitting the “positive” in Positive Change — this week the administration tried super-duper hard to make it’s first shot of the week a not openly racist executive order.
Before Sean Spicer was able to sneak in his weekly ‘I’m gonna scream at a woman in the briefing room cause I’m a big boy who don’t wear no rabbit costume no more’ move, Jared Kuschner, son in law to Donald Trump and sperm donor to Ivanka Trump, was appointed “the guy who will fix Government inefficiency”. Make Government work smoother. Just better. No real definition. That’s OK. Although this news instills no confidence partly because most don’t understand what a skinny Jewish kid is doing hanging with a bunch of mortifying anti-Semites, it’s at least what you can consider a neutral piece of news from the White House.
‘Neutral’ though is not the general position that’s been taken on this appointment. Most people believe that having a 36 year old who has no real job experience is like betting twenty grand on the awkwardly shaped dad who comes down from the crowd during half time for the half court shot truck give away.
But, we should totally give Kushner at least one half-time half court shot attempt at fixing the government and ending all the needless inefficiency that is making it fucking impossible to push through xenophobic, racist, misogynistic and environmentally destructive legislation through in your first 100 days as President.
Oops. Strike that, I mean “create jobs”**.
**in the coal industry, but not really because the mechanization of the field has reduced the need for labor anyway and environmentally destructive legislation only benefits the P&L of coal companies — not their need for labor.
Look, I know it sounds unreasonable to expect a 36 year old who’s only major accomplishment in life happened in the time between being a twinkle in his dads eye to the moment he beat out the other swimmers in his dad’s wad to mom’s egg, but, all I’m saying is let’s give the guy a shot.
I could argue that your parents choosing to feed you over a starving child in South Sudan is nepotistic too, so, before we get all judge-y and smug let’s take a look at 7 reasonable reasons to give the skinny Jewish kid hanging with a bunch of aged, overweight white dudes, a shot:
Number 1:
The Word ‘SWAT’ is Involved. It’s been dubbed a ‘SWAT’ team, and whenever you name something a ‘SWAT’ team, it invariably just fucking works. Slap SWAT on anything. Can’t poop, constipated? We’re assembling a SWAT team of diuretics to take care of it.
Number 2:
Foreign and Domestic Policy are the same thing. He’ll be able to co-mingle ideas from his attempt to save the Middle East with fixing the U.S. Government. Cross-Collaboration has been shown to work everywhere, I really can’t see why it wouldn’t here either. The reason you give the PLO and Israel to not shoot each other in the dick, could be the same concept used to reduce and reset the U.S. Government’s reliance on lobbyists. Speaking of dicks…
Number 3:
How is Jared Kushner going to do all of these things? Simply “modernizing the technology and data infrastructure of every federal department and agency” — Jason Linkins Huffington Post 3/27/17
Big Dick Data. Big Data is the big swinging dick in the locker room these days. Big Data walks into the locker room and the locker room talk stops. The White House has indicated that the problem of Government Bureaucracy will be solved by throwing technology and data on it like it’s Parmesan Garlic Croutons. I can actually attest to this though, Big Data solves everything just like Croutons solve a poorly thought out salad. Some people are paralyzed by data, but, that’s ridiculous. People who suffer accidents get paralyzed. Accidents usually involve drunk drivers. Ipso facto, unless you’re hammered and driving, data is not gonna paralyze you. Don’t be a wiener. And all you got to do is ladle Big Data thick on to your problems to make it better — Big Data is pretty much the Ragu sauce of modern problem solving. In 5 years, we’ll be using Big Data to save our marriages and keep our kids from becoming slutty fuck ups like those shitty white people on ‘GIRLS’.
Number 4:
Cucked By Anti Semites This is a little emotional reasoning, here. You just have to support a guy who’s been cucked by his own father in law. If we don’t, who else will? Jared is either going for a Jewish Clayton Bigsby thing or he’s really forced to break bread with a gaggle of physically revolting anti-Semites, every day. If you don’t support him, he may kill himself. No one wants blood on their hands.
Number 5:
Office Relationship Ivanka, with decades of policy experience, is now also employed in the White House specifically to (from Aspen) help women grab the world by the p***y. It’s been statistically proven by big data (again) that people in office relationships perform better at their jobs because they can pretty much do it whenever they want (this way they’re always loose and chill) and arguments they have at home definitely do not carry into the office to become a distraction because they can finish the argument they started in the morning on the ride in together. This way they don’t carry it with them all day like you do at your shitty desk job.
Number 6:
Great Instincts. While you were out trying to sleep with that soft 7 at the bar, Jared had the wits to seek out something better for himself. Without the Trumps, Kush would likely be just another suit, wearing a hard hat in stock photos of construction sites on Getty. Knowing who to bang is a sign of great intelligence and is a skill that directly correlates to fixing government.
Number 7:
Russian Connections. Look, at this point we can kind of connect the dots that Jared was one middle man in the tangled, likely (allegedly) treasonous (allegedly) relationship (allegedly) between (allegedly) Russian (allegedly — that’s plenty yeah?) interests and his father in laws incoming administration. We got that. But, such proximity to the Russians is a good thing, in this particular context. Look, Aristotle wouldn’t have been shit if it weren’t for being a student of and close to Plato. Russian government if nothing is efficient. They simply by-pass the whole, messy, bureaucratic ‘representation’ part and just focuses on ‘governing’. We can confidently assume that getting the floor plan from the architects on how to choke out public opinion, voice and needs will help Jared succeed in helping the government run more efficiently.
Note: In the time it took to write and edit this article, the administration was able to re-open leasing public land to be destroyed for coal and Mike Pence was able to hide his strenuous erection for destroying modern American values, again. This news bit still stands as at least an attempt at the basket by the White House and not “slicing the ball open with a knife at half court and defecating on the crowd”.
