Red Sox President Fails Attempt to Trade Old Lady for Set Up Man
Dave Dombrowski Attempts to Trade 86 Year-Old Fenway Mainstay for injured 8th Inning Reliever and other Stories from the Week in Sports
Red Sox President of Baseball Operations, Dave Dombrowski, known in some circles as “that baseball guy profiting off the glory of winning 1 championship nearly 2 decades later”, announced this week that Major League Baseball had rejected a trade in which he attempted to send Theresa Hartling, a sweet 86 year old Fenway resident and 45 year season ticket holder, for one more 8th inning reliever with a UCL that hangs by a single thread.
Known in most circles as ‘Dealin Davey’, Dombrowksi sat embarrassed that he wasn’t able to push through another trade to turn the Red Sox farm system into the Nagatomi building. With yet another reliever, Tyler Thornburg, starting the year on the DL and literally out of prospects, Dombrowski said he’d turned his sights on trying to deal away the Fenway Faithful. Already having traded 9 prospects for 3 completely injured pitchers in less than 24 months, Dombrowksi felt that trading away a meaningful ball park character can be ‘the move’ to ‘win now’.
As Dombrowski’s Red Sox look to open the season on April 3, with a roster built mostly with past GM’s moves and player development, Dealin Davey has renewed his commitment to wear a suit to every game, crush peanuts and diet coke in his suite. In the event that no prospect in the Red Sox system is ready to devalue in return for a marginal arm with an elbow set to explode, Dombrowki says he will continue to scout talent in the stands for sweet old ladies to trade away.
Patriots Fan thankful for safe return of Brady Jersey; still no leads on Missing daughter
Kevin O’Shea of West Bridgewater MA is thankful today that the FBI, SWAT, U.S. Government, Boston PD, Houston PD, The Serial Podcast, and 4CHAN’s Anonymous collectively were able to bring back Tom Brady’s jersey’s from his last two super bowl wins.
Despite his daughter Amber, 17, being missing now for 7 months with no trace, O’Shea was relieved that at least one thing that’s gone missing could be returned, safely.
Investigators say they are currently unable to ‘rally’ themselves to expand the search for O’Shea’s daughter, but, say that the Patriots 25 point comeback against the Falcons in Superbowl LI gives all of them hope that ‘anything is possible’.
Man realizes dragging all his dates to sporting events is not a winning formula
After 11 years of being serially single, Matthew Bingham, 33, realized that bringing his date to baseball, basketball and hockey games every single fucking time was not a winning formula (for his sex life).
Bingham shared his views with his friends, recently, on a typical hungover Sunday morning. Retracing what he’s done wrong and how he’s failed to get even one woman to commit to him longer than ‘a couple weeks’ — the answer struck him, finally and totally.
‘Matty Nice’ as his friends refer to him, realized in a drunken stupor the evening before that, it may in fact be a poor idea to bring his dates to sporting events when the woman in question had yet to indicate whether it’s something she’d be interested in. Just maybe it was having the effect of pushing someone who doesn’t know how to swim into a pool.
As Matt and friends gathered around half drunk cups of Dunkin Iced Coffees and a mostly empty bottle of Advil, the group agreed that “acting like a hooligan in front of a girl you’ve known for a week is likely not a great look”
As he reflected on the thousands of dollars in ticket costs he’s incurred in the last 11 years, a despondent Bingham, sunk into a depression.
