What To Do When Your Inner Critic Sabotages Your Self-Love Journey
A three step process to get you back on track
When you start your self-love journey, you may experience what firefighters refer to as “backdraft.”
When they first open the door to a room to put out a fire, the fire actually intensifies. In other words, things might get worse before they start getting better.
Think about it: if you’re a firefighter and you open the door to a room that’s on fire, you’re introducing air into the room. A fire actually needs more air to grow, so there will be an initial explosion type force that occurs as the fire feeds off the newly available air.
The same thing goes for you.
When you start to pour self-love into your life, don’t be surprised if you feel an explosion type force that makes you want to quit.
That’s your inner critic. I want you to think of it as the fire in the room. It’s been building strength over the course of your entire life. Every mistake, every failure, every doubt, every flaw has fueled its fire.
Real talk: Just because you’ve started your self-love journey does NOT mean that your inner critic is going gentle into the night (like Dylan Thomas once wrote).
Nah, boo, it’s gon’ come at you full force. It’s gon’ tell you that what you’re doing isn’t real, that it feels fake because you don’t know what you’re doing, that you’re unlovable and nothing you do can change that. It’ll also throw in some personal anecdotes and examples that illustrate how unworthy you truly are.
It’s a bully that’s had years to perfect its craft.
How to Survive the Fire of Your Inner Critic
When the fire of your inner critic rages, you have a powerful opportunity to transform self-love from an idea to an experience. You get to decide how you’re going to respond to your inner critic in the moment.
OJO: We have a tendency to feel bad for feeling bad. Beating yourself up, wishing that you weren’t in the exact moment you find yourself in, numbing out to what’s coming up for you isn’t going to help you in the long run.
The way out is through. — Dante’s Inferno
That being said, here’s a three step process to implement in the moments where your inner critic tries to push you into the fire of negativity:
1. Remind yourself that, just because your inner critic exists, does NOT mean it gets to call the shots.
You get to choose what thoughts you’re going to entertain. Just because a thought enters your mind does NOT mean that you have to follow it down the rabbit hole of self-sabotage and loathing.
When I’m in a funk, I recall what Gandhi said:
“I will not let anyone walk through my mind with their dirty feet. — Gandhi
This absolutely includes your inner critic. Its dirty feet are not allowed to walk in the Sistine Chapel that is your mind.
2. Sit with what’s coming up for you.
I’m not gon’ lie. This is tough. We human beings are wired to avoid what we perceive to be negative experiences. However, if we will sit with what’s coming up for us, we oftentimes can find a jewel of wisdom that will change our lives for the better. I’m reminded of a line I once read:
Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness. It took me years to understand that this too, was a gift. — Mary Oliver
Your inner critic stems from the part of you that wants to feel safe and wants to survive. That intention, in and of itself, is gorgeous. It wants to keep you alive. It just has a really messed up way of doing that.
I love to engage with my inner critic. This dialogue often includes a lot of fact checking on my part, especially with the irrational thoughts it often throws me way.
“Actually, I’m not stupid. I got an MBA from Rice University.”
Also, my inner critic often raises good points that I use to make me better.
“Yes, you’re right. I don’t know the first thing about finding an editor for the book I’m writing. But guess what? I can learn about it.”
I never let those type of points discourage me or defeat me. I add the item to my to-do list and resolve to learn about the topic.
3. Use my favorite mantra, “NO MATTER WHAT” to center you in your resolve.
Your inner critic is going to come at you with an extensive diatribe that outlines everything you’ve done wrong since the beginning of time. It’ll spout out scenarios to make you feel unsure, inferior and stuck.
You have an opportunity to remind yourself that you are worthy NO MATTER WHAT. Regardless of your past, your flaws, your fears, you are worthy because you are worthy. Periodt.
Your self-love journey is just that … a journey.
The best journeys are filled with the highest mountains and the lowest valleys. There will be days that you’re firing on all cylinders and there will be days where your inner critic is roasting you. On those days, I hope you’ll remember that you are more powerful than you give yourself credit for.
I’m cheering for you. Like you’ve kicked down the door and you’re saving the day.
From the Front Row,
LaTisha
