The Diary of Patsy D.
In Part VII, the final installment of the diary, Patsy moves into a new place and tries to find some peace and quiet.
I’ve gotten a new place to stay. It’s not exactly what I want but it will do. It’s another little room in another house. I didn’t want to be reminded of Charlie. I’m starting out fresh (again!). I’ve only told Robin, and Penni, where it is at. I can go there and not worry about running into a lot of people. It is a very quiet place to think one’s thoughts out.
I goofed last night, as I have always been shy in front of a lot of people even if I know most of them and I felt very awkward not knowing what to say when that college group came over to hear about homelessness. If Craig (staff) hadn’t helped me I think I would have gotten up and left. I’ve always felt very uncomfortable with people staring at me.
Rick (shelter resident) asked me out for a few beers. He said he’d pay me back since I had to borrow the money for us to go out on. I can see why some people get sick of the shelter. All the bull that goes on here is really terrible. Here Alice is supposed to be on shift and what does she do? Chase Alan (staff) all over the place acting worse than a teenager. If she gets on my case once more about the washer and dryer, she’s going to wear them. The rules on the washer applies to everyone including her and if Rita (director) didn’t want them there she wouldn’t have agreed for me to put them there. Alice says she doesn’t like rules. Boy does she have a lot to learn.
(Later) Well, I’ve cooled down a little now since the incident happened this evening. I’m sure tired of people jumping me for no cause, especially since I wasn’t addressing that person to start with. I was telling the other client to be quiet.
I want a job and I do want to get my own place. Damn food stamps haven’t come in yet or I’d sell them to get me a place to stay.
I’m still worried about my little black out spell I had up at Georgie’s last night. I didn’t want to tell anyone because I don’t know what it’s from and I’ve been getting some real bad pains in the back of my head. I’m afraid to go out to see a doctor because it might be serious.
What I Want
I have to say my room is really a blessing away from all the noise. I’m happy to say that as long as I maintain it I will be able to continue making a little more of myself. I’d like to be able to get a steady job and have a nice apartment so I can have friends over for an evening of supper and just plain ole good talk. I want to have the things I used to have. Nice apartment, good jobs, a cat, and most of all my children to come stay with me.
Maybe with an apartment I could have people over for dinner. I’m not too bad a cook if I want to be. I’ve just not had the chance for so long. I can’t say that I can throw myself together all in one night, but I will honestly try to do better each day.
I’m glad to have some of the staff around as they do make me feel better just by talking with some of them. I really respect their opinions on things, whether or not I act like I do. I don’t always express my thanks in words I guess, and maybe I should. But whether anybody knows it or not, I’m still a basically shy person, and I just can’t stand someone telling me all the time that they seem to think I’m feeling sorry for myself just because I don’t know how to put things into the right words or not.
I do get down quite often as I don’t want to say the wrong things around certain people here because usually I don’t quite put my words like they should be. Believe me I can listen and learn a lot more if I don’t talk very much. It could be a blessing if some of the people here would listen more instead of always opening their mouths all the time.
Well, I guess the party is over next door. The cops came around and told them to can it for the night. My room has been shaking from the noise of their music. Hell, it’s 2:30 a.m. I just don’t seem to get enough sleep any more. I guess I just worry too much.
I’m at my wits end, right now. I’m moving in with Beverly (staff) just to please everyone. They seem to think it would be best for me. I’m trying to convince myself that it would be best for me, but it’s hard because I really don’t know what I want. At this time I just don’t feel anything either. I just want peace and quiet and I only know of one way to get it. I’m having a battle of taking the whole bottle of pills I have left and hope that they help me sleep for a while. I’ve been sleeping so restless lately. Everyone around here is so hard for me to talk to, to bring my true feelings out. I want anyone to talk to that won’t make funny puns about me. I’m trying to take my life serious, but lately it seems to me like it’s going the wrong way. I want things to work out. But I’ve gotten so many doubts also.
I’m so tired of everybody telling me I’m meddling into their affairs. From now on everyone can mind their own business and I’ll damn well mind my own. I called both numbers for the different shelters. One was already filled and the other number wasn’t working. I’m sick of my room and want to stay elsewhere.
I’m about to blow my brains out and don’t care one way or the other.
I’m trying to do things right. But it seems when I try to do it, something else goes wrong. I wanted to get my own apartment but I can’t get it because I have no job that amounts to anything.
I don’t have to worry about not having any work as I’m busy all week. Tomorrow I work for Sherri and again on Thursday. I clean a house for Lynne on Friday and some more houses for Levonne on Saturday and Sunday and one for Rita on Monday, and Levonne again Tuesday. Wednesday for Sherri and the VAC offices, too. I hope I can pay some of what I owe. I owe the hospital $87.25 and I have to pay them something or they said they would sue me. Big deal—I’ve been told that before. I hope I can pay at least two months rent then I’ll be able to save some money for what I will need.
Charles was released from jail. Some kind of deal. A couple years probation and community service. Betty and Amy (staff) are going to see if the judge or whoever I have to see will let me get a restraining order against Charles without charging me, otherwise it will cost me $40 and right now I can’t afford too much of anything.
(Later same day) I came home and have started a puzzle but haven’t got much heart to put into it. Something has got me feeling kind of down and I can’t explain it. I seem to be having everything going for me, but something is missing and I really don’t know what it is.
Must be a lack of energy.
Went to work for Sherri this morning. She and I talked about getting someone from the shelter to help me out at her house when it got a little warmer and the ground softens and dries up a little. She said I could get whoever I wanted as long as they would work. We need them to help me seed her lawn and rake the yard, plant bushes, and most of all help climb a tall ladder to do windows. I’m afraid of heights and won’t do the outside of the windows.
I worked until 2:30, went home, grabbed the bathroom for a hot bath, worked on my puzzle, and slept for about an hour. About 4:30 or 5:00 I went down to the shelter, stayed till about 6:00 p.m. and then Linda and I went to the sub shop next to the Cork and Dart Bar and ate supper, went back for the staff meeting and then came home.
I’ve got to go over and clean up that house Lynne was talking about, so I can pay my rent this next month. I’ve really got that ole flu back again. I can’t hardly breathe unless I sit up in bed but I guess it will eventually go away. I can’t understand why I keep catching the flu to start with. It’s really beginning to be a drag. I feel so weak today. But I never quit when I put my mind to something so here goes.
Back home at last. Have you ever tried to clean up a rambling old house and not have any water? I did, but it sure as hell wasn’t easy.
I’m going to sleep good tonight.