How to Find a Soulmate in 3 1/2 EZ Steps

DISCLAIMER: This article deals with gender identity and sexuality — mine. It’s told from the perspective of a heterosexual male — me. I am in no way only endorsing heterosexuality, its relationships or male gender identification (God knows they haven’t endorsed me). Whatever your bag is, I support it. I respect it. So go get it. And rock on with your bad self. — The Author

I’m like that guy in The Hurt Locker — the bomb disposal unit guy. Except the bombs I detonate are relationships. And they blow up all over the place.

I no longer have any interest in dating, nor the energy for it. I’m not 26 anymore. I’m 56. I have trouble getting up in the middle of the night to take a piss and I’m supposed to go on dates? I don’t think so. Too stressful. My heart can’t take it. Literally it can’t take it — I have hypertension. (Maybe that’s why I’m peeing so much. I gotta check into that.)

Someday, when a dating site invents a “sure thing” algorithm, I’ll get back in the game.

Let’s Get Meta-physical

A couple of weeks ago, I was carousing the late-night internet in my underwear when I came across an extraordinary advertisement for a psychic whose clairvoyant skills are used by “law enforcement, the government and private clients.” This psychic is also a kick-ass artist whose drawings have “helped individuals and institutions see what the future holds.” And now this psychic is offering their gifts to…wait for it…provide a detailed sketch and description of what my future soulmate looks like!

Ho-lee crap!

All this psychic requires is my name, birthday and a nominal fee. The sketch and description of my soulmate are then sent via email within 12 hours.

From my lips to Eros’ ass, this is the “sure thing” I was hoping for! The very first woman who lands in my inbox hits the bullseye! One and done. Finally, a way to beat the dating system! Thank you, internet!

So, I sent this gifted clairvoyant my information and fee, set my timer for 12 hours and waited…

The Psychic

Sure enough, within 12 hours, an email from the psychic arrived! My soulmate was here! What does she look like?! When will we meet?! I took a deep breath and click on the psychic’s email:

I’m sorry but not picking up on any energy at this time. Thanks.

Excuse me?! The psychic picked up my money but can’t pick up my energy? This’s bullshit, I’m gonna sue this — Ding! Another email. This one from PayPal. The psychic refunded my goddamned money! When have you ever heard of a psychic refunding your goddamned money? They must’ve looked into my soul, saw the Circle Two of Dante’s Inferno that is my love life, abandoned all hope and never entered. Then it hit me…if the psychic’s not picking up any energy, what else aren’t they picking up? I immediately wrote back:

Thank you for your honesty and refunding my purchase. You give psychics a good name!

Unfortunately, I’d rather have my soulmate more than the $6.35.

Since you cannot pick up on any energy, does it mean I have no soulmate? And if I don’t have a soulmate, is it because I have no soul?

I promise you I have never made a pact with the Devil to sell him my soul (and if I did, I would’ve certainly asked for more than $6.35).

Please advise.

MKJ

Within 10 minutes I received a reply from the psychic:

It’s not your fault. So sorry. It’s me. I’ve had migraines and struggling.

Oh, you gotta be kidding me. The old “it’s not you, it’s me” line? I’ve heard this one before — hell, I’ve used this one before. It’s total bullshit.

I emailed back:

Sorry to hear about your migraines. I’ve had migraines before and they suck. But I’ll bet they’re even worse for psychics!

Unfortunately, we have another headache: at 57 years old, given my history with women, I’m beginning to think there’s no one out there for me and I will die alone.

Please advise.

MKJ

Within five minutes the psychic replied:

You aren’t going to die alone unless you choose that. Los Angeles sucks to find good people. I used to live there. We are the same age and I literally, after a failed marriage, found the love of my life and married him. Reach out to people in other states. I know it sounds lame but it’s true. Cali sucks for genuine people.

What are they, like the romance real estate psychic now? Soulmates are location, location, location? But let’s put aside for a second that the soulmate psychic is telling me to go out and find my own soulmate…this psychic had a failed marriage! How the hell can she find my soulmate when she couldn’t even find her own?!

Okay, so that was a wash. Back to the w.w.w.

Psychic #2

It didn’t take long to find another sketching psychic. This one had even better reviews — and was cheaper! I sent them my info and payment and in just eight hours I received my reading and sketch. Wow! This psychic was faster than the first one. That must mean they’re better!

I clicked open the email from Psychic #2:

Don’t shut yourself off; trust people who have always been by your side even though they may tell you things you don’t want to hear. These people love you; know, however, the final decision will always be yours.

You are afraid, this is normal because you know that you need a radical change in your life. You need a metamorphosis to fill you with energy, to help you fight against the monotony and boredom of loneliness. This is a period of spiritual renovation, seduction, well-being and improvement. Now you will be able to start a serious, passionate relationship.

The person you will meet has black eyes and black hair.

Always be happy…

My energy was back, baby! That reading was spot on — monotony, boredom and loneliness! That’s me! However, it seemed like the psychic was talking around something — Don’t shut yourself off…things you don’t want to hear…a radical change. Very cryptic. It was all about me and didn’t reveal anything about my soulmate. Who is she? What’s she like? It made no sense. Until that is, I opened the sketch…

A dude?! This may be a little too radical of a change for me. There must’ve been some mistake.

I emailed Psychic #2:

Hello:

Thank you. But the sketch depicts a man/male. I too am a man/male, a heterosexual man/male.

I’ve never shacked up with a dude. I thought I’d have a woman/female soulmate.

Please advise.

MKJ

Minutes later Psychic #2 replied:

Hi! This is entirely your choice. If you dream of yourself with a woman, I will draw your soulmate accordingly.

Thank you so much!

Wait. How can my soulmate be my choice? Doesn’t the Universe or some panel of Superbeings wearing Bee Gees medallions make all the soulmate calls? Can this psychic just whip up a woman soulmate because I want one?

I emailed my concerns:

Oh, hells yeah I would love to have a drawing of a soulmate who’s a woman! I’m uber hetero-virile with the ladies, believe me.

But when you went into your first trance you saw a man for me. Can you now legally go in there again and pull out a woman just because I want one?

I’m all confused now. Maybe I’ve just been denying my true sexuality for 50 years.

What do you think?

At $5.90 a pop, I’m not sure I want to spend all that money just for a woman soulmate.

Please advise.

MKJ

P.S. If I do decide to get a woman soulmate from you, will it cost me another $5.90?

Then, about an hour later Psychic #2 emailed back:

Hi!

Soulmate is your choice. I have prepared a drawing suitable for you.

Thank you!

I opened the attachment…

Take that, Superbeings! I asked for a woman soulmate and snap! I got one.

I emailed Psychic #2:

She’s beautiful! I feel like a man again!

Thanks!

MKJ

Truth was I didn’t feel like a man again. I couldn’t let this split decision ride. One man/one woman. I needed a tie-breaker.

So, I went looking for another psychic…

Psychic #3

The psychic pool at my price point was drying up. I had to go up two bucks to find one with good reviews. I sent my vitals and payment, made a whisky sour and waited for what the universe had in store for me. Eight hours and nine sours later, the universe delivered.

I opened the newly-arrived email from Psychic #3:

Hello!

I have finished your reading. Please see sketch attached.

Best wishes with everything!

Yes! A woman! SCORE! My manhood was back, baby! I couldn’t wait to learn all about her. I opened the reading and from the first line, something seemed…off…

Physically: he’s fit, well-groomed, definitely looks after himself. When it comes to his personal style and physical presence he has an air of sophistication.

You’ll deeply respect his integrity and how devoted he is to you.

What will really win your heart over is that he will allow you to retain the level of privacy during the time it takes you to build trust and get comfortable with him.

He’s a patient, supportive, nurturing, emotionally intelligent partner and a sensual lover.

You’ll also enjoy great chemistry when it comes to humour.

This is a union made to last. Together, you two can conquer the world.

Wow! Sensual lover, conquer the world together, great chemistry. It all sounded so great! Except for one little thing: WE’RE BACK TO A FUCKING DUDE AGAIN!

I immediately emailed Psychic #3:

Hello:

I stated “female” as my sexual preference. The sketch is a woman yet in the reading you say it’s a man.

What gives?

I thought I was heterosexual — at least I’ve convinced myself I am.

Is this what you see in my future? The man of my dreams?

Please advise.

MKJ

I was sure that “reading” was boilerplate bullshit. So I figured I’d get some cock and bull story from Psychic #3 that it was just a mistake. That they really meant she, not he. Le contraire, cher lecteur. It was no mistake.

And it’s far more complicated than I ever would’ve expected, as Psychic #3 explained to me:

OK, here’s what happened — I saw a person, who now has a physical appearance of a female, but wasn’t born as one, that’s why I still referred to her as a he.

To me your sexuality seems to be on a spectrum somewhere between the genders and someone like the person I described would make you learn more about it.

I hope this doesn’t feel offensive to you, but this is a person I saw you having an extremely solid bond and a great perspective for relationship.

Holy sheep shit. Psychic #3 was doubling down AND telling me I’m pansexual. The balls on this fucker!

I delve further in another email to Psychic #3:

Appearance as a female but wasn’t born one. Yep, that would explain it.

I must say I never faced the possibility that my sexuality could be somewhere between the genders.

That said, I am compelled to ask you: Is this person transsexual? Meaning, is he now anatomically a she? This’s VERY important to me. I prefer him or her to have a female body. I wouldn’t really be into engaging in the love act with a male body because I already have a male body and I’ve been engaging in it for over 45 years now (with extra duty the past five years) so I’ve pretty much mastered all the ins and outs of what can be done with it. I’d prefer to avoid any redundancies with my soulmate.

Thanks. I guess.

MKJ

By this point, I expected Psychic #3 to give me the evil-go-fuck-yourself-eye but instead, they emailed me back and tripled down:

Hi there again, M. K. J.!

Yes, I do believe he is now anatomically a woman.

The way I was able to perceive your sexuality and relationship potential is that you are way more physically attracted to women, however you can form significantly stronger connections, relationships, friendships and partnerships with male energies. As you grow older, the latter will be increasingly more important.

I guess you could see this potential relationship I described as the best from both worlds.

Oh for Chrissake, who do I gotta blow to get a female soulmate around here?! (Apparently, some dude with black eyes and a transgender woman.)

I was now three-for-three with results that were unexpected, to say the least.

I decided to give it one last shot. If the next psychic came back with someone who was not born a woman, is not currently a woman or doesn’t plan on continuing to be a woman, then I’d surrender to what the universe was obviously trying to tell me and reassess my sexuality spectrum.

Psychic #4

For this psychic, I didn’t look at customer ratings or price. I went with my gut. I found one who was the most expensive yet. But it didn’t matter. I was all-in.

Vitals. PayPal. Whisky sours.

The next morning, I had an email from Psychic #4.

First, I opened the sketch:

Okay. The sketch seemed to be a woman. But by now I knew better than to fall for that hornswoggle. I had to close the deal with the reading from Psychic #4:

Hello m.k.

this woman’s zodiac is Leo sun, Aquarius moon

will be a very loving person. will always know your value.

you will be very happy with this woman if you marry.

this woman is very affectionate, friendly and will cherish you very much.

will take you around in the clouds of happiness.

has a slightly harsh personality.

you will meet her in the summer

letter name … E

the day you will meet is Monday

She is tall and will have big beautiful hazel eyes and auburn hair

50 years old

In the summer you will experience true love

Hmmm. Okay. I was cautiously optimistic given there was so much detail. But just to be sure I wanted to email back: She sounds wonderful! But does she have a dick?

I thought better of it and instead emailed:

I LOVE HER!

Thank you for all the time and effort you put into it.

MKJ

Then Psychic #4 emailed back:

You’re welcome dear.

I decided to quit while I was ahead.

But was I…?

Well, That Didn’t Turn Out as I Expected

I thought I’d simply answer some psychic’s internet ad, get a soulmate sketch of a woman and you’d be reading my snarky 500-word hatchet job of “charlatans preying upon the vulnerable lonely” rather than a 3,000-word defense of my manhood. It’s as if those damn psychics knew ahead of time what I was planning.

Full disclosure: I don’t believe in all this psychic mumbo jumbo. However, I found all these psychics to be very authentic people who truly believed they were connecting me with my soulmate — even if I didn’t.

Reflecting upon my previous romantic partners, I thought a few of them were my soulmate (at the time). But once we broke up they had to surrender their title like it was the Soulmate Stanley Cup, to be engraved with their name and prepared for presentation to the next victor. (Currently, the trophy resides in a warehouse, somewhere in Cleveland I believe, under a thick layer of dust.)

In researching this article, I discovered I was wrong in my understanding of what a soulmate is. A soulmate casts a much wider net of inclusivity than a romantic partner. While a romantic partner can be a soulmate, a soulmate is not necessarily a romantic partner.

The Shocking Facts About Soulmates!

Contrary to the archetypal Hollywood destiny-sanctioned romantic soulmates who spend the rest of eternity together (usually after a long chase ending at an airport), a person can have more than one soulmate and soulmates need not be romantic.

There are so many interpretations of soulmates, I gave up on looking for the one USDA-approved definition. The best we can do is find the one that speaks to us personally and hang on to it.

Since I’m not the Hollywood type, author Elizabeth Gilbert’s description resonates best with me: …a true soulmate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.

Suddenly, the soulmate field is wide open. Gender, sex and age need not apply. Your spouse, ex-spouse, lover, sibling, mentor, parent and best friend can all be your soulmate. It’s quite possible these psychics knew more than I gave them credit for.

Still the Hopeless Romantic

Don’t get any funny ideas. This experience hasn’t softened me up or made me a believer in romantic destiny. And when I do get back on the dating horse, I’ll again be focused on finding a female romantic partner.

Oh, and when this summer is over, I’ll be sure and let you know whether I was “taken around in the clouds of happiness” by “E” with the big beautiful hazel eyes and auburn hair. Who knows? She could end up being my soulmate.

I mean, you never know. Psychic #4 could be right — after all, she did cost the most.

© 2021 M. K. Jackson