Does Recovery Change Your Personality?
The only specific promise my 12-step program makes is “freedom from active addiction.” But since recovery is much more than mere abstinence, once liberated from the straightjacket of the obsession and compulsion to use alcohol or other drugs, the locus of attention expands to include the in-depth examination of the content of one’s character and its relationship to the full spectrum of quality of life considerations.
In Step Six of the 12 steps (“We were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character”), the primary tasks are to identify the specific aspects of one’s personality that get in the way of learning, growth,\ and healing, and become ready to relinquish them.
The Sixth Step is about developing conscious awareness of — in the parlance of 12-step recovery — the “defects of character” that pose internal obstacles to ongoing recovery, the kind of person we want to be, and the kind of life we want to live. Step Six fits together hand-in-glove with Step Seven, which is about drawing on a burgeoning sense of spirituality as a resource to help remove those character defects or “shortcomings,” or at minimum, reduce their influence in our lives.
Character defects, as ominous and malignant as the term may sound, are merely personality traits — attributes, reactions, and attitudes — that create problems for us in coping with life as it is. They tend to emerge and become more prominent in response to stress, and various forms of emotional and physical pain. It may be more helpful to view them as character challenges.
In fact, everyone, whether they struggle with addiction or any other serious condition, or not, has certain prickly or problematic personality characteristics.
We are really talking about basic human qualities and the ways of relating to oneself, to others, and to the world — that have become exaggerated and distorted, contributing to imbalance and creating additional suffering for us and those around us — as a result of the obsessive thinking, compulsive behaving and self-centered attitudes that become hardwired in the disease of addiction.
These qualities become “defective” when we act out on them in ways that create problems — internally and interactionally.
Our personality is a set of characteristics that make a person uniquely who they are. Personality traits are consistent and lasting patterns of perceiving and relating to oneself and one’s environment. Everyone has a variety of different personality traits, some are healthy and adaptive; others not so much.
While each of the 12 steps has significant meaning and value, for most people working a process of 12-step-oriented recovery find engaging certain steps more comfortable and others more difficult. Many find the rigorous self-assessment intrinsic to Step Six intimidating. Personally, it’s among my favorites in that I’ve long been aware that are times and circumstances when I can become — to put it bluntly — an asshole. The beauty of the Sixth Step is that it provides a structure and a process for me to identify with clarity the specific triggers and manifestations of this unfortunate transformation.
The past is often present in our reactions to people and situations, tinting the lenses through which we see with residue from earlier in life, based on experiences growing up in our families of origin and from previous stages of development.
Many of our reactions are unconscious and automatic, like a reflex. When a doctor checks your reflexes, he or she taps you just below the knee with that special rubber hammer, and if your reflexes are working well, your foot jumps up. You don’t have to think about it, it just happens . . . instantly.
Personality challenges breed reactions that are especially prone to reflex. Such reactions tend to be impulsive and immediate, and interfere with the ability to respond skillfully to the vicissitudes of life. It is frequently not how the person intended to act, and rarely how they wanted to act. Such reactions are consistently self-defeating, and destructive, usually making the situation, and how everyone involved feels about it, worse.
The more my reactions occur automatically, under the influence of my personality challenges, the more likely they are to cause suffering for myself and those around me.
The other aspect of the sixth step involves becoming ready to let go of our identified personality challenges. The process of letting go of the old and unhealthy is at the heart of moving from the darkness of active addiction into the light of recovery. Consistent with Taoist and Buddhist approaches, letting go begins when I become consciously aware of how I create suffering for myself and others.
The letting go of personality challenges is actually a continuation of the process that occurred in each of the previous steps. It is the process of surrendering the things that separate me from others so I can move beyond what no longer works:
· In Step One, I let go of the belief that I was not an addict; I let go of using and thinking that I could control it and that my life was okay as it was.
· In Step Two, I let go of the belief that I could recover from my addiction without the help of powers beyond myself.
· In Step Three, I began to let go of the need to control other people and situations, as well as to be “right,” by establishing a conscious connection to that which is beyond myself.
· In Steps Four and Five, I let go of the dishonesty and secrets that I had held onto and guarded closely for so many years, and began to shed some of the shame that went with them.
Many people naturally act out on their personality challenges in situations that are stressful, uncomfortable, or painful because that is what they have always done. Even if they’ve made a commitment to themselves and others that they won’t act that way any more, like a reflex reaction it happens automatically, and continues to happen.
The only way to make those kinds of positive and healthy life changes is to act differently. If I want different results, I have to do things differently — and that leads us to Step Seven, the application of which will be the focus of my next article for Light Hustler.
For more, go to: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/some-assembly-required
Copyright 2018 Dan Mager, MSW
Author of Some Assembly Required: A Balanced Approach to Recovery from Addiction and Chronic Pain and Roots and Wings: Mindful Parenting in Recovery
