Sober in Silicon Valley — Laying Low in a High Tech World
It was the last day of the quarter for the start up I was working at and the guys on my team were lugging in cases of beer and bottles of Fireball for the year end party. Software sales can be like that, fun and rambunctious. The festivities started at 12:30 pm and someone kicked it off by lining up shots of tequila on the wall of my cube.
Awkward, because I don’t drink. Ever. Well, not anymore anyway. I’ve been sober for 24 years.
It’s times like these when I feel like an imposter. I’m thinking to myself, if they only knew who I really am, would they even let me be here? From the outside, I appear to be comfortable, smiling, and friendly. On the inside, I feel like a fish out of water. Like I really don’t belong here. I’m feeling self conscience and bracing myself for the inevitable questions:
Want a shot? A margarita? Beer?
No thanks! I chirp in my best, trying-to-sound-happy-yet-nonchalant voice.
The good thing about being in corporate America is that most everyone is trained to be “PC” (which in this context is politically correct, not personal computer). They never come out and ask why, but I can see that they are thinking it.
From the long pauses, to the head tilts, to the slow nods and looks of confusion, I can practically see their thoughts whispering across their faces. “Oh, she must be an alcoholic. Better not say anything.”
In a way, I am grateful for that because alcoholism and recovery are not easily explained to those who aren’t in recovery or close to someone who is. It takes a long time to set the stage of why I don’t drink, that I’m not really a weirdo, how long it’s been and everything involved to maintain that lifestyle.
It’s a huge topic that includes things like sharing personal struggles, vulnerability and spirituality. Not exactly in line with the typical discussions we have around technology. Also, there is still so much stigma surrounding sobriety and what it really means that it’s not really appropriate to address it in a corporate environment. Plus, it’s a total buzzkill.
It’s kind of funny though. The only time it comes up is when someone asks me if I want a drink while they are drinking. It’s an awkward time to tell someone you’re an alcoholic in recovery. It instantly makes them question their own drinking at the worst possible moment.
At the same time, I do want to talk about it. Honestly, I love talking about sobriety because it’s the tip of the iceberg that leads to much deeper and more meaningful conversations.
It would be nice to have an opportunity to talk openly about why I don’t drink and that they don’t need to treat me like I’m fragile. I’m good.
In fact, I’m actually pretty strong. So far, I’ve gotten through lots of life’s events and challenges without having to drink over any of it. Not dating, marriage, deaths, financial crisis, raising small children, difficult family relationships, or intense high tech work stress.
Even better, I’ve surrounded myself with people who LOVE to have a good time, day or night. The next morning I feel great and remember all of it. Even better than all that, I regret nothing.
The way of life I have chosen demands that I practice self examination on a regular basis so that I can learn to manage my emotions and stress without using anything to cover them up. Not sugar, sex, shopping, nicotine, gambling, or anything that can be used in compulsive or addictive behavior.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m obviously not saying you shouldn’t do those things (except nicotine, don’t do that). I’m saying there is a way to process and resolve negative emotions and stress so you are not compelled to do those things to excess where there are negative consequences from those behaviors. There is even a simple 12-step process to help with self examination so that we continually evolve into a better version of ourselves.
The good news is that there are many ways to find sobriety, but they all start with a question that we rarely ask. “Why am I drinking?”
That is a question that leads to lots of other questions. It’s like pulling on a little loose thread that begins to unravel the whole blanket of denial. If you do ask the questions, what’s left underneath will surprise and amaze you. It has for millions of others. I encourage you to ask the deeper questions and follow the path toward self discovery.
One of the most important lessons that has come from the self examination process is that I have learned that confession is good for the soul. That we are only as sick as our secrets. However, you don’t need to share everything with everyone. It’s important to find a trusted advisor to share everything that self examination reveals.
This life of self examination along with a supportive community that shares my same struggles and practices the same solutions, allows me to live and even thrive in this often crazy stressful high tech world. It’s not a high tech solution, but it definitely leads me to a higher ground.
So while at work, I do tend to lay low about my sobriety. Over time, people get to know me and I get to know them. I know which people to share my sobriety with in case I can be of help to anyone and who not to share that information with. There are a lot of people who are only interested in doing their job when they are at work. That’s okay! Heck, that’s even appropriate.
For me, I do my best to straddle both worlds. The one that supports my family and the other that gives my life a deeper purpose full of heart and meaning.
If you are ready to learn how to manage your emotions and stress without alcohol, then visit SoberLifeSchool for online classes and resources to assist you in transforming your life
