The Bubble Theory of Empathy
The way empathy has been described hasn’t really sat right with me…
In my Master’s program on Leadership, I learned about the different levels of empathy: cognitive, emotional, and compassionate. That cracked something open for me, but it didn’t seem like it was a complete way to describe empathy.
During my Design Thinking certification, Brene Brown taught me (via texts and videos, she wasn’t in my certification or anything…how cool would that be?) that empathy was about taking someone else’s emotion for them and by holding it together with them. By doing so, it would help heal and grow.
That enhanced my view of empathy, but it still didn’t quite hit the mark for me.
(Brene Brown’s reaction on the wild off-chance she reads this: “Who does this chump think he is?”)
(…)
(If you listed all the 8 billion people in the world and ordered them from most likely to respond that way at the top and least likely to respond that way at the bottom, Brene Brown is probably at the bottom of the list. Why is she so great?)
Something needed tweaking.
After facilitating many workshops, gathering a lot of empathy research for software and experiences, doing empathy coaching one-on-one, and practicing it in my own life with my loved ones, I think my brain has coalesced around an idea of empathy.
In all those situations, my goal was to make space for someone else. I wanted them to act naturally, open up, be vulnerable, and to do that, I had to take up less space. I had to clear out all the clutter, mine included, and make room for them to really spread out. And I had to make it inviting. Put out some beverages, snacks, some throw pillows, a few cozy blankets, some big comfy chairs, maybe get the lofi chillhop playlist going on Spotify, and get them to really just sprawl.
And then it hit me.
Everybody has a bubble.
We spend our lives defining and shaping our bubble. It grows, shrinks, changes shape, and it takes up space in the world.
Like bubbles in the physical world, the bubble has surface tension. There is pressure on the inside coming from you. You want your bubble to be a certain size and shape. There is pressure from the outside coming from society and those around you. How they react, your reaction to their reaction, cultural norms, and more all contribute to the shape of your bubble, shrinking it, pushing one spot in, allowing another area to bulge out, hopefully, never applying so much pressure that the surface tension snaps.
But the bubble is never truly the size and shape you want it to be, because it is always being influenced by external forces. Some people’s bubbles are really misshapen and shrunken due to mistreatment and abuse by other people.
When we are practicing empathy, we want to make space for another person’s bubble to take the shape it was meant to take. Or at least get as close as possible to that shape. Or even just get marginally closer to the real shape.
But how do we do that? Well, we can’t control any of the other bubble’s out there taking up space.
Our only option is to deform our bubble and say to the other person “Here. This is my bubble’s space, and I invite you to fill my space with your bubble energy. Try it out. See how it feels.”
Empathy is about making space for someone else to fill in whatever way they choose and then affirming that choice, being curious about their choice, and to the degree they allow, examining that choice. They must know it is safe to push themselves into your bubble. But even if they don’t want you examining their bubble (rude!) empathy demands that you still allow them to keep that space you granted them for a bit.
Here is where the cool stuff happens.
Now that you have allowed another person to use your bubble space for a time, when they leave, a bit of their bubble gets left behind. That bubble bit stays connected to them, forming a bubble bond.
You and that other person will forever have that bond between your bubbles. Time may weaken it. Breaking trust may destroy it. But otherwise, it is there forever.
(don’t worry, they can still move freely about the world…)
Each bubble bond may take a different shape. There are people I have coached only once or maybe twice in my life, and when I practiced empathy with them, effectively bonding our bubbles, we created a gossamer thin thread between us.
And then there is my wife. We have done so much empathizing that she has so much of my bubble inside her bubble right now that I can constantly feel her warm embrace. And vice versa, I hope.
And there are those that will move their bubble out of the way for you.
This happens hundreds and thousands of times throughout your life. You have hundreds upon hundreds of bubble bonds, and those are the connections you can rely upon.
I am not a super spiritual, mystical type of person, but truly, by inviting people to exist, safely, in our space and sharing that bond and doing it as much as possible, we can achieve true interconnectedness.
Leaders that can build bubble bonds effectively are successful.
I don’t like the term influence because it seems one-directional, but truly, the more bubble bonds you have, the more influential capacity you have. Because there is trust, those that share the bond are ready and eager to work for you.
Leaders are often, mistakenly, portrayed as people that take up space. Elon Musk. Beyonce. Donald Trump (any politician really). Michelle Obama. Dwayne Johnson. Tom Cruise. They aren’t leaders. They are charismatic visionaries (whether you agree with their vision or not).
A true leader not only knows how to diminish their space, but they proactively seek out ways to do so in order to encourage others to occupy it, and then share that space for the betterment of the team, project, and mission.
I hope this connected on some level for you! If you liked my writing, try this article about AI stealing human identities, or this one about a 20 year long career coming to a close, or this one about how my wife taught me how to be loved.
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