Effective Parenting
Ten Steps Toward More Effective Discipline
How Parents Can Successfully Plant the Seeds of Responsibility
Youngsters need to experience a favorable home climate throughout all of childhood, but especially so during the school years. Children unquestionably need the support and guidance of parents as they seek to meet the challenges of this age. This is as true for achieving personal independence as it is for other facets of growth such as developing a sense of morality, establishing healthy relations with siblings, learning the do’s and don’ts of social media, or building self-confidence.
Favorable home environments provide warmth and acceptance to children and employ effective discipline. Unfortunately, learning how to master the latter is a stumbling block for many parents. Much of the problem is due to uncertainty regarding what the term discipline entails. Discipline is the establishment of limits to teach acceptable forms of conduct or behavior. The goal of discipline is to produce responsibility in youngsters. Moreover, children must learn that they are accountable for the consequences of their behavior. The following suggestions will assist adults confronted with the task of disciplining children:
Realize that there are motivations for misbehavior. Misbehavior doesn’t just happen on its own; the child may be motivated in some way to engage in disruptive behavior. Some of the more common reasons for misbehavior include boredom and the desire for attention, revenge, power and control.
Act with confidence. Adults must believe in themselves and their ability to promote responsible behavior. They should adopt a take-charge attitude and handle disciplinary situations with self-assurance and confidence. Children are quite adept at spotting adults unsure of themselves.
Relate the discipline to the situation at hand. Adults should focus on the central issue and not stray into unrelated problems. It is also important to tell children that it is the misbehavior that is being rejected, not them as individuals. Furthermore, adults need to explain why they are upset with the misbehavior (“You broke the vase, and I’m angry because it was special to me”). This helps teach youngsters that their misbehavior has implications for others.
Be consistent. Erratic discipline confuses children and seems unlikely to prevent similar problems in the future. If adults are going to discipline the child for one particular type of misbehavior, the recurrence of this misbehavior must also be disciplined. If there are two or more children in the home, discipline should be consistent among them as well.
Don’t make discipline a public spectacle. Discipline can be a sensitive affair, particularly among older children. Talking with children alone rather than in front of others reduces embarrassment and other painful emotions. Adults should also respect children’s feelings after discipline has been administered. Shame and guilt are fairly common reactions. Understanding adults do not attempt to increase the child’s guilt after the situation has been confronted, and they are also open to whatever resolution the youngster wants to make.
Avoid angry emotional outbursts. No evidence exists indicating that yelling, screaming or other emotional tirades promote effective discipline. In fact, it is conceivable that youngsters listen even less when this sort of adult behavior occurs. Adults should take the time to organize their thoughts. Speech should be deliberate, controlled, and firm. Children also seem to listen better when adults talk with them, not to them.
Establish limits in a clear, precise fashion. Children need to know what is acceptable and what is not. Adults should spell out acceptable behavior limits so that there is no question about what misbehavior is and what it can encompass. Many children naturally test limits, which is even more reason to be clear and consistent about behavioral expectations.
Make the discipline fit the misbehavior. Adults need to examine the type and degree of disciplinary measure employed in relation to the misbehavior at hand. The discipline administered should be compatible with the amount or nature of the misconduct and not too lenient and certainly not too extreme.
Discipline should be administered as close in time as possible to the misbehavior. Once adults have gathered their thoughts, discipline should be administered quickly. Children tend to remember better and more clearly associate events occurring together in time and space. Misbehavior and discipline should be yoked together, the latter not being put off for hours or until day’s end.
Follow through at an appropriate time. Discussing the disciplinary situation during a follow-up conversation often helps ensure that a lesson has been remembered. This does not mean dwelling on the misconduct or accentuating the negative; it implies that both adult and child can reflect on the issue and the role that discipline plays in creating a more harmonious living arrangement.
These suggestions should help parents develop effective disciplinary strategies and move away from negative discipline. The early seeds of responsibility sown by parents will likely blossom in the form of adult accountability and maturity. Parents will discover that they can gradually relinquish the teaching of responsibility and allow children to become the architects of their own lives. Better yet, children will come to view their parents not as harsh disciplinarians, but rather as supportive guides preparing them for life. Parents thus emerge as partners with their children, helping them meet the challenges and demands of everyday life.
