Negotiation Is an Inside Job
I learned how to negotiate by accident. I was living in SF and was offered a job in New York. I did the math, considered the weather, said a polite no thanks. Then they came back with an offer that was 20 percent higher — and fully double what I was making at the time. So that’s how it works! (I bought a winter coat.)
Learning to deliberately ask for what matters to me took many job and life pivots — and I’m still learning. Discomfort is part of the drill. If I’m negotiating for a new gig/salary, I struggle to turn off the second-guessing tape loop. Am I asking for too much? Too little? (And also, Hey, don’t you know who I am? Followed inevitably by, Well, maybe I’m a nobody now…).
When I’m on the other side of the table, hiring people or negotiating with a vendor, I go through the same process in reverse. Am I being insulting? Am I giving away the store because I desperately need this person or product? Will they still like me at the end?
I was persuaded that negotiation is mostly an inside job at a recent Watermark workshop led by Tina Greenbaum, a sports psychologist and business coach. Unlike most people who teach negotiation skills, she focused on the feelings that inevitably arise, how they trip us up, and how we can control them to create more confidence.
Among her memorable takeaways for negotiating at work and in life:
* Preparation is more than research. Visualize the meeting, practice phrases out loud, and think through the feeling you want to create. Just as athletes practice their moves until they’re almost automatic, confidence is a kind of muscle-memory.
* Listen to your body. Know what makes you anxious and what it feels like to “be called” (meaning, I’m so excited I’d do this for nothing). Your body is exquisitely attuned to the feelings others give off. Use this information to inform your choices. (And remember, especially in a job negotiation, if the conversations are difficult at the beginning, they’re very unlikely to get better after you’ve taken the gig.)
* Once you make a decision, hold on to your power. Knowing your walk- away point helps you relax — which in turn makes you appear more confident. You don’t need to be pushed around. Grounding yourself through meditation or a quick power pose that sends energy to your legs and feet helps you feel it.
Not every negotiation is about bridging the gap between what one person wants and what someone else has to give or withhold. Sometimes our job is to find clarity in the murk of conflicting expectations and mixed messages. For these situations, Greenbaum suggests posing an artful question born of active listening: “I’m wondering….”
If there’s an elephant in the room, wondering tends to make him visible.
Leaders who know themselves well inspire confidence in others. Listening to your body is a form of active listening. Curiosity leads you to all sorts of new places. All excellent leadership lessons, don’t you think?
