Radiating Confidence: LIB Workshop Round-up
Confidence is a sublime quality. It elevates us in visible ways, helping us make a more lasting impact. It shows up in the big things and the little things: in our body language, our voice, and even in the words we choose to communicate. When we think of “leadership presence”, confidence plays a critical role in shaping that perception.
At Lean In Network Bangalore, we reached out to our community, and they asked for a session around confidence. The fabulous Shanti Sharma, an ICF-certified coach and founder of Grow with Satori, offered to anchor this conversation for us. She opened the floor with an eye-opening statistic about confidence, gender, and experience — and it gave us pause.
As we delved deeper to discuss the reasons behind this plunge in confidence in women, we also spoke about how a lack of confidence shows up in our everyday interactions. We brainstormed about how to move away from years of conditioning to claim our seats at the table. Here are my key takeaways from the session:
The trio chipping away at women’s confidence: The Perfection Trap, Disease to Please, and Minimizing
It all starts before we can even spell confidence. As little girls, we subconsciously imbibe gender-related messaging and behavior expectations. Some of these are even reinforced in the workplace.
The perfection trap shows up in the form of obsessing over details; the disease to please shows up as the inability to say “no,” and the minimizing efforts make us awkward when we are in the limelight.
Women are especially vulnerable to the perfection trap, the belief that they will succeed if they do their job perfectly and never mess anything up.
If you’re a chronic pleaser, chances are you know it. You may even talk about it, usually in an apologetic tone. The disease to please can undermine your ability to make clear decisions because you’re always trying to split the difference between competing needs in hopes of creating consensus or avoiding giving offense.
As research confirms — when you draw in your arms and legs, tighten your body, hunker down, or move aside — you undermine your ability to project authority and power.
Not only do others read you as diminished, you begin to feel that way yourself. That’s because your physical attempts to shrink send a message to your brain that you really shouldn’t be occupying your space, either physically or metaphorically. You’re not big enough, so you don’t belong. Others are more deserving than you are. That’s how your brain interprets your actions.
Excerpts from the book: How Women Rise: Break the 12 Habits Holding You Back from Your Next Raise, Promotion, or Job by Sally Helgesen, Marshall Goldsmith
When we experience a lack of confidence, it can encompass our presence in multiple ways. It will show up in the way we speak, the way we hold ourselves, and even the space we occupy. Interestingly, confidence levels can also vary depending on the stakeholder in question.
In a thought exercise, Shanti asked us to “imagine yourself walking into a large conference room. You are the meeting organizer and the first one in the room. A very senior stakeholder will be chairing this meeting. Where will you sit?” As we sifted through the range of responses, we realized that for the group, confidence was directly proportional to familiarity with the stakeholder and the discussion agenda.
It takes confidence to walk into a meeting without being aware of the agenda. It means having faith in our own abilities to figure out whatever comes our way. Building the confidence muscle requires baby steps to practice assertiveness in everyday actions.
- Being mindful of our language: As women, we tend to feel awkward about taking up space and time from people we feel are more “qualified”. This is why our speech, our emails, and even our chat messages have a plethora of softening markers: emojis, apologies, and self-deprecating remarks. Instead of downplaying our intelligence or contributions, the key is to present ideas and actions without questioning our worth. Take what makes you feel unsure, and imagine it as an advantage instead of an obstacle. Your confidence will follow.
2. Address Limiting Beliefs: A lot of our limiting beliefs stem from our previous experiences, especially from our childhood. As children, we may draw conclusions about our capabilities and hold onto them forever. These conclusions become the thin rope that keeps us from expanding our comfort zone. These limiting beliefs often show up as our inner critic, plaguing us with self-doubt, downplaying our achievements, or negatively comparing ourselves to others. The key is to rewrite the narrative we have in our heads by finding proof to the contrary. Journaling or even keeping a weekly achievement log helps us own our achievements and build confidence.
3. Building leadership presence: Showcasing confidence can mean different things to different women. For some, dressing well can boost confidence. For others, it may come from raising your hand and speaking up. Choose the tools that help you feel more in charge. Supplement these by nurturing a growth mindset.
Women are typically raised to believe that their success comes from innate characteristics. This makes them more risk-averse, and a single failure can create a spiral of negative self-talk. It is important to break that spiral by reframing failures as hurdles, and skills as malleable talents that can be learned.
Confidence is the ability to show up as yourself, in the moment. It is being able to walk into a room and not compare yourself to others. It is about owning your journey. It is believing that inside you lies an immense strength that will always help you figure things out. It is knowing that your worth is defined by how you choose to define it. It is standing up for yourself, holding your boundaries, and acknowledging your own awesomeness. It is about letting yourself shine through and radiating the belief that you are always worth it.
Here are additional resources around confidence that you may find useful:
- Lean In Bangalore Radiate Confidence Session Recording [Passcode: vS87x.yN]
- Build Confidence Video Series from Lean In
- The book “THE CONFIDENCE CODE: The Science and Art of Self-Assurance — -What Women Should Know” by Katty Kay and Claire Shipman
