Workplace Thriving: Cliff notes on being a boss at work
How do you get a group of women to talk unabashedly about their workplace? Ask them about “the one” in their office. “The One” who steals their ideas in a meeting and presents them as their own. “The one” who asks them personal questions about marriage and family planning in the interviews. “The one” who sashays in the room as the rockstar, and yet doesn’t pull their weight. We have all met “the one” in multiple settings and have sometimes wondered how to navigate these situations with grace and aplomb.
Saloni Mehta, founder of the Saloni Mehta Company, ran a session for us at Lean In Network Bangalore. We brainstormed on how to ace workplace navigation and claim our seats at the table. Here are my seven key takeaways from the session:
- Don’t let your gender be an obstacle in your journey
Workplace situations have layers of undercurrents. Even in an all-men group, there is “the one” in the mix. So, the next time an unsavory interaction happens, break it down. Dissociate the gender from the actions, and notice if “the one” behaves similarly with others too. This gives us objective input to plan our responses.
When we think x happened to me because of my gender, we move into rage, rant, and victim mode. Reframe it as group dynamics at play, and the focus now shifts to building skills to disarm “the one”. While some of these skills can be honed individually, others require us to build allies and are a group effort.
2. Leverage the system to normalize boundaries
Personal boundaries tend to be the first casualties when work creep happens. From working weekends to work calls at inconvenient times to notifications that don’t seem to stop, work can feel all-encompassing. The key is to establish and hold boundaries, and to do this consistently.
Saloni recommends “peppering conversations” with subtle cues about your working style. Talk about efficiency, planned calendars, and weekend commitments that are set in advance. The “commitment” could be a workshop, a trek, or anything that is fascinating in your workplace context. During this stage of setting boundaries, substantiate your commitments by periodically sharing proof of what the weekends looked like. The idea is to create the reputation that you have a full life beyond work. When work presses against these boundaries, circle back to your need for a substantial heads-up since these plans would get upended.
If you make an exception, call it out to make sure that the stakeholder recognizes it as an exception. The community also pitched in with tactical workarounds like switching on “night mode” and disabling notifications (and even apps) during weekends. Time blocking on calendars, and separate work phone numbers are equally effective in helping create and sustain boundaries.
3. Embrace the power of “no.”
The most effective professionals recognize the power of “no”. When we say no to something, we are making time for something that is more worthy of our time. However, it can be hard to say no directly, especially if there is a power dynamic at play. It can also be hard to say no if we are not used to saying it. That queasy feeling in the stomach while saying no is our body telling us, that we need to practice saying no more often :)
There are multiple ways to say “no” to work, especially those that are not acknowledged (or valued) in your workplace context. While no in itself is a full sentence, it may be seen as rude in certain cultures. In that case, you could opt to say “No, because I have <generic reason>” or “ No, but I can < alternative>.” You could also opt to say, “Let me get back to you on this by <appropriate timeline>” or “Let me check my calendar” to give yourself time to respond. If an additional request comes in from your supervisor, you could ask for their help in prioritizing your workload.
Another thing to remember is that, depending on the culture of your organization, a “no” may or may not impact your career. If you are saying no to something that is culturally accepted as the done thing at work, we have three options to deal with the fallout:
-a- Consistently do outstanding work, track it in consultant style, and use it to showcase that your Nos don’t impact your delivery OR
-b- Choose your Nos wisely and dole them out sparingly OR
-c- Recognize that you may be a culture misfit and that a different organization may work better for your needs.
4. Keep your allies close and your enemies closer
This is golden advice for all walks of life, but it is especially relevant in the workplace context. Allies is a broad term; it includes not only your friends from work but also people who hold similar goals or face the same challenges. Be it bringing the spotlight back to your point after “the one” interrupted you or making team lunches the norm, allies hold each other up. Some people feel like natural allies, while others need to be cultivated.
Allies are cultivated away from the meeting rooms, and over time, so invest time in building relationships. Sometimes, it is also about managing the egos of certain stakeholders. The way to win them over could be as simple as asking them for help, or better yet— asking them to sponsor you. It is hard to steal the spotlight from the person one is trying to help and “inspire”. The more diverse a set of allies and mentors you have at work, the more influence you can build over time.
5. Humor and Sarcasm can win hearts
If the above picture made you smile, you know exactly what we are talking about. Humor and sarcasm are great tools to battle microaggressions at work. Here is a short list for your handy reference:
6. You can be heard in multiple mediums
Meetings are not the only place where you can be seen and heard. You can prepare for interactions ahead of time by asking for structure. If you are setting up a meeting, send out meeting agendas, and if you are a participant, ask for the agendas by email.
If you could not share a perspective in the meeting, send a follow-on note by email or chat to the group with, “I was thinking about what we discussed, and this struck me...”
Be mindful of how you communicate via email. Power play in language is a big contributor to how we are perceived at work. Women tend to use a lot more please, kindly, emoticons, and apologies in their communication — which puts them at a disadvantage. This snippet from “Womaning in India” illustrates it beautifully.
I personally recommend re-writing your communication if your draft has more than one please/kindly/emoticon so that you sound more confident. You could also leverage technology (ChatGPT and Grammarly plug-ins) to help you with these.
7. Own your reputation
People form perceptions fairly quickly of their colleagues and use them as mental models to decide the frame of their interactions. Sometimes, you get tagged with an adjective that may not sit well with you. The alternative is to own your adjectives and position them as positive, trustworthy traits. For example,
If someone calls you aggressive, you could choose to say, “Oh, totally, I have boss lady vibes” or “I am glad you see me leading from the front. I learned this from x, who does this so well”. In the second instance, x could be another colleague or leader in the organization.
if someone says you are a straight shooter, you could choose to respond by saying, “Of course, I admire people who can fearlessly speak their minds. In fact, I am wary of those who beat around the bush and downplay things. It becomes hard to tell what is urgent and needs attention with them.”
The session was interactive, but more importantly, it was grounded in the daily realities we experience. “The One” may attempt to pull the ground under your feet, and yet there are always ways to claim your power back.
If you need someone to hold your hand through these, reach out to our lean in Bangalore sisterhoods (we thrive on WhatsApp, email us for details), or even better, get a coach (we run a pro-bono coaching program for our community 3 times a year). You can also reach out to Saloni at: salonimehtaco@gmail.com
If you would like to catch up on the recording of our session, you can check it out here. Access gets granted with this passcode: jw.g*BJ6
Additional resources we recommend to build your assertiveness muscle at work:
- Adam Galinsky’s How to speak up for yourself : Talks about the low-power double bind that some of us experience at work, and offers tools to broaden our range of “acceptable behavior”.
- Mel Robbins’ How to stop screwing yourself over: Talks about how to break free of our brain’s autopilot mode, and get uncomfortable
- Work Bestie on Instagram: Talks about scripts that you can use at work to assertively stand up for yourself
